Suicide

I just want to say that my relationship with my mother was somewhat strange in some aspects; but sometimes, I dream of her, and when I wake up, I can't believe she's gone, because I was dreaming that we were living right here in this house, and having conversations, going about our days, watching Moonlighting, and whatnot, and it actually takes me time to discern dream from reality when I wake up; because well, it's a little hard to believe that she's been dead for almost seven years. That's really kind of it. I mean, I KNOW she's dead; but there is a little part of me in my subconcious that doesn't believe it, and it's hard to shake those dreams off. It's harder than you might think. It's hard as fuck. The other day I actually woke up and started yelling through the door "hey, mom..." And then I realized, well...I'm talking to somebody that doesn't exist anymore. Somebody that never got to meet her granddaughter. Somebody that I know where to find; but I'd need a shovel to dig 6 feet deep, and she's only bones by now, and to realize that, is fucking heartbreaking.

I don't really have much of a point for this post, except that I just found out that a friend of a friend committed suicide, and I think that's just generally a shitty thing to do. You don't know how much pain you are causing other people if you kill yourself. If I could have either a billion dollars or my mom back, I wouldn't even hesitate, I'd want my mom.