Sad Keanu

Whoa! I kow kung fu! Wyld Stallions! (air guitar riff)! We're gonna need guns! Lot's of guns! (air guitar riff) !

Ok so Keanu is a ham.  We all know that.
Give the man a  fucking break.  He can't eat a fucking sandwich by himself?  I eat sandwiches by myself.  That does not make me a fucking loser.  I also drink alone.  That's the name of a fucking song by George Thorogood.  Also, I do not like to be disturbed when I fucking drink.  When the GF comes here I make sandwiches or burgers for her.  She likes that.  That is probably the only reason she's still in love with me. 

We all collectively know that Keanu is a bad actor and kind of a dumbass.  And I liked the second Matrix movie; but hated the third.

I've actually heard girls talking about Keanu and saying they still think he's sexy even though they think he's dumb.  I wish I had it like that.  I do pull a lot of tail.  More than I'm entitled to really.  But they've never told me, "oh you're so smart and sexy!"  They usually fall in love with me because I'm the kind of guy that does burnouts in a camaro and solves most problems by challenging guys to a fistfight after bitchslapping them, or doing structural demolition.

Hell, whenever I get invited to a party, there is never a lack of assholes that want to fight me.  I don't know why the fuck that is.  I'm not a pushover.  Anyone who knows me knows that.  I think it might be because I'm only 5'6";  but once at the mall, some asshole charged me at a full run.  He was taller than me; but I flipped him over by just standing my ground and doing a shoulder shove.  Then I turned around, expecting him to fight me.  He didn't.  He just got up and kept running in the same direction.  The punch line:  The gf, who was right beside me never even noticed.  Nor did mall security.

Morale of the story:  If you're smart you can pull in a lot of tail; but although Marylin Monroe once said that she thought Einstein was sexy, she never fucked him.  But if Einstein had punched out a few people or joined the Palmach, she definitely would have fucked him over that asshole JFK.

Cheesecake

So I have a birthday coming up, and my dear, dear aunt, whom I love very much and just gifted me a set of used furniture (which is still way better and prettier than my other set of furniture that I bought brand new) invited herself to my house for Sunday along with my cousin.  She says they are going to not only celebrate my birthday; but also help me clean my house.  Fat chance.  This stems, I'm sure, from the house being filthy the day my cousin came to deliver me the furniture; but I had just dragged a tree that I felled in my backyard through the house so I could put it in the garage, so in the process of that, I trailed leaves all through the house, and even turned over a trash can.It's not like my house always looks like that.   I can't say no because then I look like an ingrate and an asshole.
Now for the kicker:  I know she means well, and what she is trying to do is meant to help me make extra cash; but it still is grossly misguided.
I have a certain fame within my circle of family and friends for being a good cook and an excellent baker.  Most of my friends ask me to not give them a gift for their birthdays or bring booze to parties; but instead to bake a cake, and I am happy to oblige.  One of my friends once told me "you know, I don't like cheesecake; but I like your cheesecake."
What my aunt wants is for me to bake a cheesecake for my birthday, and she's gonna buy it off me, and bive samples to her friends, so they can order cheesecakes off me.  I am happy to make cheesecake for someone's birthday, as long as it's not my own damn birthday.  that's the day other people are supposed to bake me a frigging cake.
Not only that; but baking a cheesecake here in ES if a fucking pain in the ass.  So much so that this is the first  cheesecake I'm baking since I came down here.
In the US, I would just buy a premade graham cracker crust.  Who needs the extra work, right?  But here that doesn't exist.  In fact, graham crackers don't fucking exist.  The closest I could find was honey bran crackers.  Bran?  What kind of fucking bran?  Bran is not a grain!  Is it wheat bran?  Oat bran?  Bran just means it's made out of whole grain fucking flour.
Then I think back to my childhood and I figure, what is close to graham crackers down here, and then it hits me: (idea lightbulb goes off) galletas maría!  Of course.  So I go to the supermarket, and don't you know that the only galletas maría I could find are whole wheat.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Whole fucking wheat cookies.  It's like someone down here (probably a fucking hippy) decided, "hey, let's take a couple of simple pleasures in life.  Graham crackers and galletas maría come to mind.  Let's suck the fun out of those and label them as healthy snacks."  And I guess when whoever said that there was not a single person with an IQ of over 100 in the room, because they all agreed.
And by the way, who the fuck snacks on these things?  I have never snacked on either of these things, nor do I know anyone who ever has.  They are ingredients for other desserts.  I'm gonna crush them into crumbs, pour melted butter on the damn things, make a crust out of them, and then proceed to put cream cheese batter in that crust, then top it with cherries in gelatinous sugar water.  And I intend to get thoroughly shitfaced while I eat it.
Apropos of the cherries.  Pain in the ass to buy down here.  Hardly ever can I find them fresh, and I don't have a cherry pitter anyways, so I bought canned.  Now in the US I just buy the Comstock premade cherry filling; but they don't even have that here.  By comparison to the cookie thing that's a minor annoyance though.  Just add a little corn starch and cook it till it thickens.
Cheesecake is supposed to be indulgent, not whole grain and nutritious.  Get it right, healthnut fuckers.
I'll make the stupid cake; but I'll be damned if I'm gonna enjoy it (making it, not the cake itself.  I'll probably enjoy the cake, even if it's a lie).

Ahhnulds Cheating

Ok, so the guy is a cheater.  If you have ever met him or even frigging googled him, you know that.  How is it that she-skeletor missed that?

If you treat your husband poorly,  he's just gonna have sex with someone else.  I know that because that's what I do when my gf withholds sex from me. 

You got a beef with that?  Treat your couple better.

Don't be a whiny bitch.

I bet Maria gets shit from the divorce.

But she gets an E for effort.

Still, stupid Ahhnuld for marrying her.  He could have done so much better, even though he's ugly, just because he'a a multimillion dollar movie star.

That's why I have never and never will get married, and I still pull in a ton of tail.

BTW I am in a "monogamous" relationship.  But she's trying to withhold sex as a bargaining chip.  This is stupid on her part, because I just have extracurricular activities on the side.  All men do that if you withhold sex.

YDI ladies if you pull that shit.

Cereer Psychic my Ass

Overaged Prostitute

So this bitch says that she's gonna tell you your fortune to help you get a job.  

I fucking hate charlatans; but what do I care, the rapture is 2 days away. By the way, since I'm giving my possesions away, I've got a couple of bridges to sell you. 

Also, just looking at this bitch, I can tell you that she fucks her clients. That's the only way she can keep them coming back.

Or at least she gives them really good head.  

And maybe a rimjob.

Or two.

Stupid bitch.

The Rapture is Coming up Saturday. Fuck Me

So this asshole by the name of Harold Camping wants to buy a fucking private jet or a bigger yacht or something, and he's predicting the rapture for next Saturday. 

Follow the money.  This asshole already did that once in 1992 when he wrote a book called 1994.  And another time besides that.  I don't care about the timeline because I'm not a dumbass.  When someone tells me the end is coming I tell them that it'd better be coming on their mom's face or the hell they are going to will seem like heaven compared to the hell I'm about to put them through.  After that, they just shut up.

If you really believe that you're gonna get raptured on Saturday, you are truly a retard in every level and permutation of the word, and fuck you for donating your money to this cultist swindler.  Maybe someone will take pity on you; but I will MOST DEFINITELY NOT.

Be assured that when your wife comes begging to me for money, I will offer her $10 to have sex with her, and I will fill her full of semen, because you might be a good Christian; but if you donate all your possessions to a charlatan, you are a piss poor human being, and I will be fucking all y'alls wives and your children will call me papa.

                                       Fuck you zealots

                                                                  Mag;)

So this guy Don Gorske or something just ate his 25,000th Big Mac.  Now I love hamburgers.  I eat a lot of them.  Not nearly as many as him; but probably more than average;  but Big Macs?  Really?  Seriously?  I haven't had a big mac in years.  I don't ever crave them.  Sure, if somebody gave me one, I'd eat it.  But I'd never buy one.

I usually make my own, because I can make better burgers than any franchise; but in the rare occassions that I actually buy a burger I buy a flame broiled Whopper from BK, or a Six Dollar Burger from Carl's Jr.

Now here's the kicker, at the end he says he's never tasted anything better in his life.  I'd like to believe that because this is all a publicity stunt for McDonald's he's getting paid to say that; but because of his unwavering commitment to put shitty food in his body for what I estimate to be about 40 years according to his story (and he's got the receipts to prove it), I believe him.  This makes me feel sorry for this guy.

And hey, what the FUCK is up with his hair?

That haircut sends a message to the world.  The message is:  "I'm celibate."

When he tries to pick up a prostitute, they throw a Big Mac in his lap, and run away.  Because of the diversionary tactic, he does not give chase.

Don Gorske.  A champion of loserness.

Ghandi Sucks Cocks in Hell

Ghandi was a piece of crap. Passive ressistance my ass. Man up wuss.

I have been in situations where passive resistance would have gotten me killed. What saved me was having a gun or a knife, and the cowardice of my adversaries.

One time, I actually brought a knife to a gun fight, and won by default.

And it was two against one.

Against all odds.

Mini British Commando knife FTW.

And one of them actually had a gun; but maybe it wasn't loaded. Although I believe it might have been those same guys that a few days later killed a grad student in Berkeley. So maybe it was; but the way they accosed me was just dumb.

When I lived at South house, and read engineering books at night while working security.

Last night, I dreamt the cast of Friends was staying in my house for a few days, and of course, it made perfect sense in the dream. Phoebe and Chandler weren't there, though; but in the dream, it was just before breakfast, and Ross makes the best pancakes ever. And Joey is still as dumb as ever. Had to teach him how to use a fork and knife.  Unfortunately, I woke up just before having the threesome with Rachel and Monica.  Fuck!

One thing I never had to do, even though I might have been considered by some as a nerd in high school, is about jocks giving me a swirlie. Because either the sureños, or I myself would have stabbed them. And I wasn't even a sureño.  

But I did own a small hunting knife, and if anybody had dunked my head in a toilet, they would have been so dead. I know exactly where the fucking clavicular artery is. That is the fastest way to do sentry removal. Just a comment on all the high school shootings. The problem is not guns. It's the assholishness of some ppl.

Assholes get shot or stabbed.

And Elephant is a crapass movie if I've ever seen one.  It tries to ovesimplify bullying by calling people fags.  What is Gus Van Sant, 7 years old?  Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

And if you give a fuck about who I have sex with, you are nosy, and nosy people lose their noses. 

Morale of the story, don't be an asshole; because you never know when you're gonna meet a bigger asshole, and that asshole is obsessed with knives, shuriken, katanas, and guns.

And I am such an asshole.

I don't look for fights; but I do end them.

If a car cuts me off on the crosswalk, I just kick it, then all the other assholes stop. Now the asshole has to take his car to a bodyshop, and I'll just say that I was walking at a brisk step, and it was my right of way; but I've never found anybody that wanted a piece of me after I kicked their car, because they knew they were wrong.

Sometimes I don't even have to kick the car, I just yell FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK YOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!! right before it cuts me off, and it miraculously stops.

Well, not so miraculous is it?  Rather.

 

 

Luke Starkiller, Family Issues.

-Luke, who's your father?

-Isn't it supposed to be that gay protocol gold robot that shoots fucking lasers out of his eyes, and killed R2D2?

Shitripio is my father, n00b. You just started a motherfucking starwarz assholeñ.

 

 

Superman's journal after he hit puberty. Sunday may 10th.  Mother's day on earth: Ok, so I know I'm invulnearble to bullets, and I can outrun trains; and leap skyscrapers in a single bound. And I can punch whole dimensions of existence into existence or non-existence. After seeing them with my supes-vision.

But I got hair growing places, and the razors just fail, because they are made of steel, which I am invulnerable to. Hold on, Lex luthor left some kryptonite around here. Maybe I could use that to shave.  

Ah yes, the kryptonite made me feel fresh. Especially after lathering myself with Old Spice Aftershave original sensitive lotion.

And then I payed soccer with my nephews. And I kicked the ball into space. Hold on, I'll just fly, Noo wait I'm just Clark Kent. I'm a samall town boy. I can't fly into space. And even if I coulld, I wouldn't. Space is whack.  Unless I want to turn back time to save Lois Lane, who is this stupid girl at school that wants to win a pulitzer prize or like an AVG award for porn, you tell me.  I think she likes trophies, meanwhile, I can punch shit into existence or nonexistence, and my dad is Marlon fucking Brando. And I can turn back time by turning back the earth, and at some point in time, Gene Hacman's girlfriend will save me from drowning, and then I will have to hoard the kryptonite so I can keep shaving.

I'll just tenderize this meat and we'll have a bbq. Ok kids, look away. I may just punch this in another dimension. Pay attention to the coals. Does supes eat? Oh Yeah! those dimensional punching muscles are hard to come by, pilgrim.

May 11th, 2011. 49 year old teacher at school, Mr. Logan says, you dropped your journal, Kent