Cheesecake

So I have a birthday coming up, and my dear, dear aunt, whom I love very much and just gifted me a set of used furniture (which is still way better and prettier than my other set of furniture that I bought brand new) invited herself to my house for Sunday along with my cousin.  She says they are going to not only celebrate my birthday; but also help me clean my house.  Fat chance.  This stems, I'm sure, from the house being filthy the day my cousin came to deliver me the furniture; but I had just dragged a tree that I felled in my backyard through the house so I could put it in the garage, so in the process of that, I trailed leaves all through the house, and even turned over a trash can.It's not like my house always looks like that.   I can't say no because then I look like an ingrate and an asshole.
Now for the kicker:  I know she means well, and what she is trying to do is meant to help me make extra cash; but it still is grossly misguided.
I have a certain fame within my circle of family and friends for being a good cook and an excellent baker.  Most of my friends ask me to not give them a gift for their birthdays or bring booze to parties; but instead to bake a cake, and I am happy to oblige.  One of my friends once told me "you know, I don't like cheesecake; but I like your cheesecake."
What my aunt wants is for me to bake a cheesecake for my birthday, and she's gonna buy it off me, and bive samples to her friends, so they can order cheesecakes off me.  I am happy to make cheesecake for someone's birthday, as long as it's not my own damn birthday.  that's the day other people are supposed to bake me a frigging cake.
Not only that; but baking a cheesecake here in ES if a fucking pain in the ass.  So much so that this is the first  cheesecake I'm baking since I came down here.
In the US, I would just buy a premade graham cracker crust.  Who needs the extra work, right?  But here that doesn't exist.  In fact, graham crackers don't fucking exist.  The closest I could find was honey bran crackers.  Bran?  What kind of fucking bran?  Bran is not a grain!  Is it wheat bran?  Oat bran?  Bran just means it's made out of whole grain fucking flour.
Then I think back to my childhood and I figure, what is close to graham crackers down here, and then it hits me: (idea lightbulb goes off) galletas maría!  Of course.  So I go to the supermarket, and don't you know that the only galletas maría I could find are whole wheat.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Whole fucking wheat cookies.  It's like someone down here (probably a fucking hippy) decided, "hey, let's take a couple of simple pleasures in life.  Graham crackers and galletas maría come to mind.  Let's suck the fun out of those and label them as healthy snacks."  And I guess when whoever said that there was not a single person with an IQ of over 100 in the room, because they all agreed.
And by the way, who the fuck snacks on these things?  I have never snacked on either of these things, nor do I know anyone who ever has.  They are ingredients for other desserts.  I'm gonna crush them into crumbs, pour melted butter on the damn things, make a crust out of them, and then proceed to put cream cheese batter in that crust, then top it with cherries in gelatinous sugar water.  And I intend to get thoroughly shitfaced while I eat it.
Apropos of the cherries.  Pain in the ass to buy down here.  Hardly ever can I find them fresh, and I don't have a cherry pitter anyways, so I bought canned.  Now in the US I just buy the Comstock premade cherry filling; but they don't even have that here.  By comparison to the cookie thing that's a minor annoyance though.  Just add a little corn starch and cook it till it thickens.
Cheesecake is supposed to be indulgent, not whole grain and nutritious.  Get it right, healthnut fuckers.
I'll make the stupid cake; but I'll be damned if I'm gonna enjoy it (making it, not the cake itself.  I'll probably enjoy the cake, even if it's a lie).