Kim Song Un is a Fucking Asshole, the Apple Never Falls Far from the Tree

North Korea is a bunch of assholes, and of course they can't make a proper rocket.  The fucking assholes are fucking starving to death.  I don't know about you; but I made an oath to myself that there is no fucking way that I'm ever starving to death.  That shit is just not happening.  And these assholes keep building missiles that always crash and burn.  Fucking idiots.  One look at the navaho missile and they could figure out how to make a proper rocket; but they never wil because they are fucking dumbasses, and I don't know why the fuck the US keeps sending them food.  Let them starve.  See if they ever build a crappy rocket again.  Of course they won't.  They'll stop buying guns and ammo and start building farms and cattle ranches. Fucking Obama is also a fucking asshole for catering to them.
I'm not afraid of you Kim Song Un.  You fucking piece of shit muerto de hambre.  I have a katana that I would very much like to introduce you if you ever get up the courage to come down here.

Natalie

Ok, so this is like an epic girl.  She's the one that got away from me.
She's the girl that taught me how to make love.
She also knew how to massage a man right before she fucked him.
She was Vietnamese, and as beautiful as the day is long.
I think her boobs were fake.  Whether they were or not is kind of besides the point, because she was so beautiful, that's the kind of girl a person can easily fall in love with.
And of course, I did fall in love with her.
This is a song that reminds me of her, and haunts me to this day.
Natalie, en la distancia, tu recuerdo vive en mí
I still remember that when I fucked her she used to put her feet right up against my butt and push me inside her.  I also remember how she taught me how to frenchkiss.  Some rich asshole married her, and I've lost touch with her.  I couldn't possibly find her right now; but man, I miss the fuck out of that girl.
I had her, and I lost her, and the fucking thing about it is that even if I had a Delorean that could go back in time to when I was fucking her, There's really nothing that I could have done that would result in me having her now.

Hungry Games

I fucking refuse to watch this movie.  What little I know about it, is that it's a ripoff of Battle Royale.  I ain't about to read the books or watch the movie.  I don't waste my time wallowing in shit.
So a better option is to watch Battle Royale featuring Takeshi Kitano.
The link is in  Google videos, so hopefully I don't get banned for posting it.
Here it is:
Battle Royale with motherfucking Takeshi Kitano

Being a Good German

Everybody laughs at the  "I vas just following das orders" defense that some of the nazis at nuremberg used, and of course, all of those guys hanged for using that sorryass excuse.  That is no surprise to anyone, except neonazis.  Lemme tell jou something pendejos, this blog is being written by someone who is not white (only black from the waist down, and only jewish from the waist sideways), and if I ever meet a white supremacist as I'm walking down the street, Imma introduce him to my fucking battleaxe.  Does your nazi ass really want to meet with thirty pounds worth of handforged, hand-sharpened, stropped and honed steel?  I think not.

Hunger Games

I guess if I were dating a fifteen or sixteen year old girl, and I wanted to fingerfuck her or get a blowjob in a movie theater, that's the perfect movie for that.  In every other respect, just judging by the trailers, this is shit.
For beginners, I thought Hitler and the nazis died in 1945, so why the fuck is everybody in the future white?  Might it be because it's obvious the black guy would win the fucking thing?
Also, the minute someone tells me that my daughter is eligible for a televised fight to the death contest, that's the minute I start doing political assassinations.  Don't worry, they won't even know what hit them.  I'm fucking ninja like that.
There are actually teenagers all over the world that get recruited into guerilla or gang armies.  Their stories are way more interesting and compelling than a white girl that has to kill people, even though all she wants is to get fucked.
Fucking hack writers are ruining the fucking world.

Disaster Preparedness

Ok, I'm not an alarmist; there have supposedly been a shit ton of microsisms here. I'm going to enumerate your priorities right here, which will apply in any natural disaster.
1. Drinkable water. You cannot live much longer than three days without that.
2. Dispossable water. You have to be able to wash your hands after you shit, or you gonna die covered in shit, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give you a decent burial if you pull that shit.
3. Food. You cannot live much longer than 5 days without that.
4. Freeforall. Once you run out of drinkable water, and dispossable water, you gotta start finding food somehow, and you have to search the nearest natural stream, and you have to start a fucking system. It's not fucking difficult; but if an asshole fucks it up, all the rest of you sharing that water system have to machete him to death to make an example out of him. It's the law of the river.
The world doesn't stop turning because of an earthquake; but douchebags do stop after an earthquake. 

For number one, if you have a hot water heater. That thing holds like 30 gallons. There is a water valve at the bottom. Even after the water stops running, there is still a crapload of water in there. Shut off all the gas mains, and then you got 30 gallons of water, that you should probably boil, and maybe before you even do that pour just a little chlorine bleach in, and let evaporate before you actually drink. Don't even think about a showering until you get running water again; but do wash your hands constantly.

for number 3,  specifically about food.  I make it a point of keeping a certain amount of canned food on hand.  Bread takes a long time to spoil in the fridge, flour and dry yeast won't go bad at room temperature, so you can make bread out of that.  You can eat anything that might go bad in your fridge for about two days if it's without power, after that, throw it out.  Anything pickled , and most condiments, except mayo, will last you for a pretty much indefinite amount of time.  I'm not talking about any funky shit that I don't even know about, so if you happen to eat bad hollaindaise sauce (who the fuck even does that, man?  Smell the shit before you eat it, plus that shit tastes nasty as it is).  If you have eggs, make a cake.  It will cheer the fuck out of everybody.  If a bunch of people leave leftover bread on their plates, make bread pudding for  everybody.  Trust me, it will lift morale, and you will get rid of those eggs mighty quick.

5.  Looting time.  Make sure you know how to do it, and do it right.  Don't break into anybody's house.  Good way  to either get shot, or get fuckall for your trouble, or end up eating cat food, which is just as bad, or so I'm told.  Break into your supermarket, and get as much canned food as you can.  You really need a car and few specific tools for this.  Otherwise, don't do it, because you only have a couple of minutes to get in and get out.

6.  Hunting and gathering time.  This is pretty extreme; but I just mention it because if things get really extreme, you might have to do that.  Notice that I put it at the end of the list.  That's because of hunting mainly, because in some places, even though deer are pretty much ginormous rats, it's illegal to kill them.  Although, if you can bring some venison to feed the whole neighborhood, I doubt anybody will give a fuck.  Also, if you set up snares, most of what you catch, you are not gonna even wanna eat.  

However, another danger arises with plant life.  A lot of that shit is poisonous.  Here's a good rule of thumb.  If you haven't seen it at the supermarket, don't eat that shit.  People say that you can try certain leaves by chewing them and seeing if they make you throw up.  I fucking say, that if it's not at the fucking supermarket, don't fucking eat it, goddamnit.  There's fucking wheatgrass at the fucking supermarket.  If that's not proof that some assholes will eat anything, no matter how bad it tastes, as long as it's not poisonous, I don't know what is.  And yes; belladonna won't kill you; but jimson weed can, and I don't know anybody that can tell the difference between the two.  Also, stay the fuck away from wild mushrooms.  Some of them won't kill you; but the last thing you need in a survival situation is to be tripping balls.  So here's what you do, only eat shit you've seen at the supermarket.

Moonlighting

Ok, back in the eighties, I was a big fan of Moonlightigng.  The show with Bruce Willis and Cybill Sheperd.  my mother only watched a few times; but she liked it.  Because of her work she couldn't watch it every Friday.  My brother would go away for like three months out of the year, and what happened for those three months is that I played with my mom's boobs for those three months as I was telling her what happened on the  show.  I've already written that I thoroughly enjoyed playing with my mom's breasts when I was 10 years old.  I was the one that iniciated it, and seriously, that woman was in bad need of sensual pleasure.  I still have dreams of fucking my mom.  I don't enjoy those dreams; but if she were still alive, and she wanted an orgasm, just as a matter of convenience, I would totally fuck my mother, and she would have the best orgasm of her life.  Seriously, that woman did not have enough orgasms in her life, unles maybe she orgasmed from the breast massages that I gave her, which is a definite possibility.

Racism

Ok, so yesterday I got into a tiff over the internet about how fucking stupid people look when they get a Justin Beaver haircut (my take on it is that even Justin Beaver doesn't have that fucking haircut anymore, so take a fucking hint already), and this asshole has the nerve to basically call me nigger.  That is absolutely offensive to me, that he would think he could get away with that.

Ok, ppl, when you start off a sentence with "I'm not racist; but..."  I already know that the next thing coming out of your mouth is a blatantly racist statement.

I am not black, not even from the waist down; but I'll be damned if someone holds it against me because they think I am, and I don't call them on it, because I'm also not blonde and blue eyed and 6 feet tall, and the whole world got together and voted in 1945 and decided that's not a requirement for not getting holocausted.

This is why to this day Germans can't fucking look me in the eye.  Because we fucking won.  They picked a fight with the rest of the world and lost.  BTW there are jews that are blond, blue eyed and 6 feet tall, and would love nothing less than to put a grenade up a Nazi's ass.  I have met a few in my time, and I look way more "ethnic" than them.

I'm not Jewish, either; but if Nazism ever takes hold again, I'm a black gay jew disenter, and Imma kill the Nazis way before they get a chance to put me in a fucking train.

Happy Motherfucking Birthday, You Sonofabitch!!!

Martha Stewart actually has a ginger carrot cake recipe. It's basically regular carrot cake; but with ground ginger in the cream cheese frosting. A friend of mine made this for my birthday one time (and I love him for it; but I still call him out on this. Real names will be concealed to protect the innocent; but let's call him "Dan"). Let's say that as soon as I tasted it, I knew that either he fucked it up or he was pranking me. Make no mistake ladies and germs, ginger has no place in any fucking frosting! It's like Martha Stewart thought about the only good thing about carrot cake, and decided, "if I can fuck up one single person's birthday this year, then my work is done until Ragnarok. Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah!"
I ate that whole fucking cake, and every bite felt like work. I was like"maybe my palate is not sophisticated enough -bite- Nope, it does taste like it was made with ginger and a sadistic sense of humor."  -Complentative state of mind- "fuck my life."

Random Rant about Movies

You know that movie Urban Explorers? Pisses me off. At least Hostel had subtitles over the non-English parts, and also, it really could have been great, because nobody hates anything more than they hate nazis; but all the victims were so annoying that I was glad when the Nazi killed them all. Especially the white guy. I enjoyed how his death was particularly painful; because I could have killed that nazi like 20 times if I were in his shoes, and that stupid asshole still managed to get skinned and salted alive even though he coulda painted the walls with the killers brains at one point. I fucking hate when movie characters act retarded. And I love that his girlfriend got her neck broken for falling in love with an asshole like that. 

If people exist that are that fucking stupid, they deserve to fucking die. I woulda emptied the luger in the motherfucker, or kept hitting him upside the head with the piece of the bed that the guy took apart; but most importantly, I would have killed his ass off at the very beginning and then said. "Don't bring a knife to an axe fight." Because the guy that gets hurt has a fuckin tomahawk in his backpack. So frustrating...

When the reason the movie is supposed to be scary has nothing to do with your suspension of disbelief on the bad guy's abilities; but it relies on your suspension of disbelief on the victim's stupidity, that is never a good fucking movie.  Submitted for your consideration:  Hostel II  That's a fucking smart movie, although to really understand it you kind of have to watch the first one, which is objectively a piece of shit, and if you watch that one, then you have to watch the third one, which is even more shit.  But I did like the second one.  You also get to see Heather Matarazzo's (not to sound like a bigot or anything; but because I speak Spanish, Matarazzo sounds kinda like "killer of rats" to me.  In fact down here, we call rat poison mata ratas, which as you can see is phonetically similar) tits in that one.  That's the same girl from Welcome to the Dollhouse, which is a fucking awesome movie in and of itself; but in this movie she's all growed up, and she shows her tits.

 Also, In Urban Explorers they kind of set up a sequel.  I hope that they never get the funding to make that fucking movie.  I mean , when you get down to it, the scariest part of the fucking movie is the nazi's teeth.  They're like the size of half his face.

Also, why the fuck do so many movies nowadays that go for the found footage bullshit. That was done right exactly twice: The Blair Witch project, and REC. All these other pretenders to the throne can go eat a dick.

Paranormality, Quarantine (aka American ripoff of REC), the endless sequels of both, the whole SAW thing (if you can't wrap a fucking story line in less than 6 movies, and none of them involve Boba Fett or light sabers, I'm not getting invested in your piece of shit franchise.  I've watched Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, and the less boring parts of Raiders of the lost ark, and I'll be damned if I'm going to watch any more movies where Han Solo doesn't have a blaster or Chewbacca as his sidekick) can go eat a dick. 

How to Become a True Master

I think that as some hangers on from my previous generation eventually die off, they are trying to push their beliefs upon my generation, so that I will push those beliefs upon my own children. My answer to that is NO! FUCK NO! Maybe you enjoyed having god as an imaginary friend as you grew up as an adult; but I'll be damned if that's what I'm going to teach my children. At the end of the day you are the one that writes your story, and your story only matters if you win, so write it well, and win.

Pick up Yo' Buttons, Youngstah

So these guys are all shooting craps for a while, and this OG that started with $5 bucks is beating the shit out of these sneaker pimps at it for like an hour.  By then, the young thugs are all pissed off and broke.  One of them says to the OG, "You cheated, give us our money back or I'ma take a shit on you."  The OG Pats him on the torso a few times, and says "pick up yo' buttons youngsta."
All the sneaker pimps in the world, if handed a thousand iphones and five thumbs apiece could not have figured out what happened then, much less written it, or lived to talk about it.
As the OG was patting Mr. Gorilla, he was vivisectioning him with an old fashioned razor cutter. The blade was so sharp, and so clean, that the blood landed on the floor before the buttons on Mr. Gorilla's shirt did as he cut them from his chest down.  According to legend, the side opposite the buttons landed on did not have a single speck of blood on them.
The cut was so clean, and so painless that when Mr. Gorilla heard OG's "pick up your buttons, youngstah'" remark, it kind of threw him for a loop.  Until he felt warm liquid seeping down his pantlegs.
Nobody Everybody could have predicted what happened next.  Mr. Gorilla passed out at the sight of blood  (it's gonna sound like a cliché, and borderline racist; but personally, although I know that they exist, I've never met a black person that could stand the sight of blood or the sight of a syringe going into their body stoically, or that could swim very well.   I mean, maybe it's because I'm not afraid of diving fairly deep without so much as a snorkel and stuff; but although I barely passed my high school survival swim test, that's because they make you tread water, which is very energy expensive in a survival situation.  That's the express to death in short.  There were female classmates of mine that even had trouble with that and were excellent at certain swimming events.  I never swam competitively, only for fun, and treading water for four motherfucking minutes is a very good way to make sure you fucking die.  There are much better ways to survive in the water, even if they are shark infested.  Correction: especially if they are shark infested).  OG ran with the money, as Mr. Gorillas friends drove him to the hospital and honked the horn in front of the emergency gate.  Don't ask me where, or when this happened; but it did happen. Mo' details coming up soon.  In the mean time, pick up yo' buttons, youngstah.

Glory Holes

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Best Free MMORPG Evar

Rusty Mothafucking Hearts.
Here's the deal, there's no auto attacks and shit.  This game is tactical.  If you don't have a joypad, go fuck yourself, and don't complain about the hotkeys, you suck.  My gamepad cost me like $10, and I'm awesome at that game with it, and it's fucking fun as fuck cleaving shit with a battleaxe or doublefisting revolvers.  That's my hint to use a Frantz or a Natasha (I'm also using a sword Frantz, as a Lark).  I might do a tude type character if I had a Mei Lin skin, because Tude sucks ass; but Mei Lin is at least pretty to look at.  I like Angela in the cutscenes; but she takes like half an hour to swing her weapon, and her skin looks like Justin Beaver, so pass.

The Hiltons

I don't know what made me think of this just now; but one time in Berkeley, these two foreign girls got on the bus I was riding. They were blonde and blue eyed, and very cute. College age. I'm not sure what language they spoke between them; but it was obvious that they spoke very little English, so European most likely. This one lady, maybe thinking that she was paying them a clever compliment asked them if they were the Hilton sisters. They simply said no; but I wonder if they knew who they were being compared to (I have met several people down here who don't know who the hell the Hilton sisters are, and couldn't pick Paris out of a lineup), and whether they would consider it a compliment if they did. My guess is probably not for the first question, and definitely not for the second one. BTW I just read an article about Paris' expensive fucking car. The damn thing could be an exercise on how to create the most expensive mobile eyesore in the history of skanks.

                                                        To the tardmobile!

 

Yeah.  Feast your eyes on that beaut up there.  For the same amount of money I could build a car that was body on frame, had a roots supercharger, produced over 1000 hp with water injection and was still fast as fuck without it even though it would have level 5 armor.  And it sure as fuck wouldn't be pink, though it would definitely have some badass art on it.