Ok, so everyone is a critic; but here is how music is being slaughtered right now, so its flesh can be fed to pigs. This is obviously an effort by Al Quaieddeadiddidum deedi doom de dum de whatevs to terrorize us through sonic weapons, and they are getting airplay.
#7 Rebeccca Black, Friday
Ok, this video is higly autotuned, poorly acted (no one in the video seems even mildly excited that it's Friday, or that they are joydriving a car at 14 years old, or that they are dressed really slutty at the Friday night party while being 14), and there is actually a version by Nicepeter that is actually acceptable; but only because he knows how to make music, and even he says at the end of the vid that he hates the song, and that he had to unlearn everything he knew about music to even sing it.
Nicepeter Friday Fun!
To be fair to Rebecca Black she actually seems to have a sense of humor, as evinced by the fact she did Black Friday for April fools with Funny or Die, although as I've already written, I would not have done what she did, once I saw the script for the video. It's plain stupid. However, having too high an opinion of yourself can lead you to more stupidity. Read on for more on that on the number one item in this article. In the meantime, let's talk about...
#6 Tonje Langeteig, I Don't Want to be a Crappy Housewife
Ok, this is just pretty much an honorable mention. Just watching as much of the vid as you can is hilarious enough. Any more, and you might just punch your computer. I put her after Rebecca Black, because I hope she never tries to release anything ever again. Mostly for her own good. Because no one is gonna buy that shit.
Instead of a link to that, here's a link to something you might enjoy.
Dreams
#5 Justin Beaver, Baby
Ok, this song is just crap. I truly don't know why Ludacris didn't just strangle him once he had him in the chokehold. I certainly cannot listen to this song without having a murderous urge to choke the life out of someone. Anyone.
Instead of directing you to the overplayed song that might drive you to do unspeakable things to any living forms in the vecinity, I will instead direct you to someone who actually has some talent.
Dani Shay
She's way more talented and sexy than Beaver. I don't much watch TV these days; but I believe she was on the American version of X-Factor, or America's got talent, or some such thing. She has a much better voice, and wit, and she can actually play an instrument, while Beaver has to get a stuntman to wear a wig and pretend to breakdance for him. What a hack.
#4 Jennifer Lopez, On the Floor (Ft. Pitbull)
Ok, when I first heard about this video, I had high hopes for it. J Ho has never been a talented musician; but if you can't appreciate Pitbull it's because you know fuckall about rapping. However it's like she told him "don't rap anything badass that might upstage my bootyshaking," and you know what? I am not impressed by the bootyshaking or the product placements.
Are we truly being punked with a remake of an old Lambada song? Because I'm not amused.
Also, why the hell is she trying to keep us from seeing her naked by suing her exboyfriend? We already saw her naked in U-turn. Kind of pointless, no? Instead of showing this stupidass video, here's Pitbull in rare form:
Pitbull, I know you want me
Sorry about the quality. There used to be a higher quality, maybe he has a VEVO channel now or something?
#3 Lady Gaga, Judas
Anyone notice that this sounds exactly like Bad Romance and has the same theme, as well as a pretty similar aesthetic? Instead of showing you the original Bad Romance, I'll show you an accoustic version, which doesn't want to make you gouge your eyes out because of her fashion sense, and plug your ears, or blow your brains out because of her singing.
Booyah!
Patrick Goble
#2 Beyoncé, Run the World (girls)
Ok, I pretty much love everything Beyoncé does. Everything. She sexy. But almost the only thing that's worse than a Lady Gaga video is Beyoncé trying to rip off Lady Gaga's aesthetic, with a song that is less musically redeemable than a Lady Gaga Song. Disaster. I won't even put a link to the video up. Instead, I'll put some old Beyoncé up, because I hope we can just put this video behind us and forget this ever happened.
Beyoncé, Crazy in Love
#1 Katy Perry, Friday
One of my cousins actually Facebooked earlier tonight that he loved this video. This is the summary of what I told him:
"Primo, I think you must be deaf. I saw this vid on ForD two days ago, and couldn't listen to it all the way through. It's so awful!"
Keep in mind I try to censor myself a little when I talk to him, and I really did not the watch the video the first time through. But tonight I did. I regret this more than if I were a goat rapist. I am going to take every drug I can get my hands on, just so I can forget it.
"And seriously, Rebecca Black, and what sounds like someone raping a saxophone?
Oh shit, it's Kenny G! No wonder!
At least they didn't let Rebecca Black sing.
Still, my ears feel so violated they might just commit suicide. Damn you for bringing this up!!! Damn you to hell!!! "
After that, I swallowed my entire supply of heroin. As I see the world blur around me, I wonder if I will survive. I'm not sure I want to. I think Katy Perry might be like the third or fourth worst crime against humanity, just behind the holocaust, rape as a weapon of war, and torture. Maybe it's better if I just die in a pool of my own vomit.
BTW, that's a joke. I don't do heroin (although I do heroines, non-heroines, and anti-heroines without any discrimination between the three), and if you think you are going to get rid of me so easily, I say "good day to you sir!" And "Swords at dawn!"
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