Full Metal Jacket

Gomer Pyle
Ok, I gotta say, military life is no longer anything like this.  In fact, I kind of miss being an AF cadet, especially because of the other female AF cadet that might or might not have gone to POC after college, and because of this super hot Navy cadet I met while I was in it.  But when your superiors are assholes, you have to wave bye bye to the thing, although Col. Weaver was one of the sincerest men I have ever met, and all of my memories of him are quite fond.  He was my father figure when even my biological father didn't even want to talk to me (mostly because he has an inferiority complex and did not want to pay for my school; but he did try to claim me as a dependant, you can pretty much guess how that went, because the IRS does not fuck around).
Oh, I case you don't know, full metal jacket refers to a style of bullet, not a type of jacket.
For a rifle, it looks like this:

For a pistol, it looks like this:

The reason that these types of bullets exist, is the Geneva conventions, so if you are in the military, this is what you'll be shooting at the enemy, as opposed to soft points, or hollowpoints, or frangible bullets.
Just thought I'd explain that, because a lot of people don't understand that. In fact, I dare say most people don't understand that.
Also, I'd be remiss to not post this scene from the movie:
Me so Horny
Or this one:
Get some!
I once talked to a Vietnam vet, and he told me that is the only way helicopter gunners could survive over there.  I don't know about that, I wasn't there; but if I'm ever drafted and made a helo gunner, I'm gonna shoot everything.  Absolutely everything.
Further into the story:
That's how you kill a sniper. They can't shoot what they can't see
And then there's the catharsis
Mickey Mouse
Overall, I would say this is the best Stanley Kubrick film evar.

Tattoes, Piercings, Body Modifications

Ear hoops look fucktarded 
OK, my veredict is that anyone that does that to their ears, is a fucking eejit. Period.
You could be the sexiest girl in the world; but if you had that shit on your ears, I'd just brain you, and you'd deserve it, because you probably have madcow disease or some shit. Destroy the brain, she's a zombie!!!!
You have a tattoo, fine, even if it's fairly large, you got a piercing, or a metric shit ton of them, fine. You got hoops in your earlobes or anything else like that, zombie. I will kill you any way I can. All zombies must die!!!

Endangered Species, Gross Food, Etc.

Ok, so someone around here seems to be making this concoction, called eggsoup.  That's like when the Sigüanaba decided that instead of reverting to her demon form, she would just throw a feast but the soup she was going to offer the participants would smell just like hell would.  My mother once made this crap for me, and I told her "there's no way I'm eating this."  I went to bed hungry, rather than eat that shit.
I almost threw up just from smelling the bowl.  Hell, I almost threw up a couple of times from smelling people prepare that bitches brew.
I will mention also, that in several cultures, people think that you are manly if you eat shark fin soup, cobras, scorpions, balloot, (a Pilipino "delicacy" that is basically pickled unhatched duck fetuses), tiger dick (leave the motherfucking tigers alone,  China, If you can't get it up, use Viagra or Cialis; but if you keep fucking with my tigers, I will go over there and overthrow your fucking government with the biggest army of ligers that has ever existed, and again, when I mention ligers, I don't mean it in the conventional sense of the word) fucking turtle eggs (which if you're into that, I encourage you to eat those; because I fucking hate turtles with the white hot heat of a thousand suns, don't ask me why; but I just think those animals are an anomaly of nature that needs to be erradicated), and all kinds of bugs.
You know what's manlier than that?  If you order that for me, or serve me that, after I've specifically told you not to, and then I fucking body slam you, and then put you into a Japanese chokehold, and break your neck or run you through with my knives.  I'm pretty sure that would get me some fucking respect.
Kicking ass p'wns eating gross shit.

No Parking

I almost smashed a brand new Toyota on the front just by opening my front door tonight. You know what happens when you do that? All the airbags deploy. Extremely expensive for the car owner. No liability for me because she was illegally parked. Didn't call the cops only because apparently the owner of the car is family of my childhood friends; but if I had a car or a trike (and I'm aiming to do a trike), I would have totally fucked up that car just by opening my garage gate. Let me illustrate this point with this video:
Old lady p'wns mercedez asshole
That's an old lady that can barely walk. Imagine a 36 year old opening his garage gate in a brash manner (which is pretty much the manner I do everytihing in). That car would be so totalled.   Don't think that pedestrians or someone just momentarily parking there would be in any danger either, because as I unlock the different bolts in the door, they make a very definitive sound, that would alert anyone that I'm about breach the gates of hell like a bat;  But an unoccupied car parked too close to my garage gate is going to get totalled.
And I'm not about to put a sign that says "no parking" in front of my driveway either. When you see a garage door at the end of a driveway, you should assume that a vehicle comes out of it from time to time, and you don't know when, and you should at least have the decency of asking if you can park there, if you intend to, especially if the bigass gate can wreck your brand new Japanese piece of shit econocar.
Also, before you assume that it's because I'm being an asshole, I will let you know this.  Motorcycle engines are not like car engines, and my trike would most likely have a large cc motorcycle engine.  You have to warm them up.  Now my garage is not completely enclosed.  I has a lot of ventilation; but I'm sure If I just sat there with a motorcycle engine running, I would get carbon monoxide poisoning and die.  That's why I would burst open the gate ASAP once I knew that the engine was ready to roll.
Also, Toyota's suck, and they will keep on sucking until they bring back a targa top Supra. 

My Brother is Dating a Hot Model, or at Least He Should Be

Yeah, not my asshole brother that can't even get laid in a whorehouse and had the gall to hit on my baby's mom, and that I will kill the next time I see; but my other brother.  The cool one, the youngest of us all, and he's actually, technically only my half brother.  Well, this hot model has a crush on him, and if he didn't realize it before, I think he realizes it now, because both her and I teamed up and went, "date the hot model!" on his FB wall.  I don't know if he will (he'd be stupid not to, though, that's the kind of decision you can make at the drop of a hat, and if you say no, that makes you legally and scientifically fucktarded).
So this girl has a shoot tomorrow.  Now this hot model that has a crush on my brother and would like to date him is a bit nervous, so earlier, I FB'd her:
"Just get a lot of rest, beauty sleep and whatnot. Don't get nervous. You got this. Go in there thinking "I'm the hottest supermodel in the world." You will p'wn that camara so hard that 1000 years from now archeologists will not understand our current optical technology."
That is the way people should approach all problems.  Head on, apply directly to forehead.
Now I'm going to indulge in a bit of narcissism and say that what I wrote to this girl, whose identity I will not reveal, to protect her privacy, and my brother's, is pure fucking genius.  All of those words exist: but nobody before me has ever put them together in that order.  
I guess that what I'm trying to say is that those who want something badly enough, make it happen, and those who don't, Make excuses.
I could have chosen to die Sunday; but instead, I decided, FUCK THAT.  I ain't going out like that.

Breaking Up Is Not so Hard to Do

So I've been sort of dating this chick for a little over two years.  When we first started out, we would date once or twice a week.  I got fired from my first job here in El Salvador; but nothing much changed.  I got a better job.  I was already showing symptoms of my disease since before I got fired; but they weren't too bad.  I got hired at another place, even better job.  Higher pay.  Then I got so sick I had to quit that job.
From then on, her visits went from once a week to once a month, then there was a period when she didn't come here for like three months.  Now, understand this:  My house is closer to her job than hers is, it costs her less money to come here, and when she comes here she doesn't have to deal with her whiny, grown ass kids (the youngest is high school age, by that goddamned age you should be able to make yourself some goddamned food), she doesn't have to cook, because nobody is allowed to cook in my kitchen, except me, so I cook for her, and she gets more restful sleep too.  She has told me that.
After that three month period, I told her I was going to start dating other people.  She told me she still loved me, even though she knew full well I was fucking other women.
She came over here a couple more times after that.  A month apart.  Last night I was gonna call her, and I thought "when was the last time she came to see me?"  A fucking month ago!
Now, since the onset of my disease full-on, which has lasted about a year, I have had many episodes of it.  Some of which have brought me to the brink of death.  Including this whole past weekend (that's why I didn't blog over the weekend).  Throughout that period, who has cared for me?  Nobody!  I've had to figure out how not to die all on my own.
Now you'd think once a woman realizes her man is so pissed at her that he's dating other women (and by the way, just last week she asked me to marry her, I think maybe because she wants my house), you'd think she'd want to spend more time with him.  You'd think so; but you'd be wrong.  That is why I will never marry any woman unless she is like super rich.  So I can get half in the divorce.
So last night, I did call her.  I told her that I would continue to be her friend; but our romantic relationship is OVAR.  I will not call her again.  What for?  To waste my goddamned minutes?  Thanks; but no thanks.  What am I?  A fucking eejit?  This woman is either cheating on me or she doesn't love me anymore.  Neither of those things are acceptable to me any longer.
I can get lots more girls, and way hotter than her quite easily. This is something that a lot of women do not realize.  Men have options too.  And it's  as many as you have.
If you are careless with my heart, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Ghadaffi is a Motherfucker. Motherfuckers Tend to Die by Lynching. I am Sure he Will

Ok so if you haven't been following the situation in Lybia, then at least you might remember this:
Iman al-Obeidi' ordeal and subsequent journey
Also, there have been many cases of the Quadaffy loyalists raping women and recording it in their cellphones.  The leaders of the opposition destroy those videos because they do not want those women to suffer the stigma of rape in Lybia.
Disgusted enough yet?  Take a load of this:
The Quadhaffis are all assholes
I swear that if that asshole survives, which I doubt, I will personally assassinate the motherfucker.  And I will definitely kill his family too.
It won't be today, it won't be tomorrow; but soon enough, and I know what I'm going to wear.

 

Pamela

Pamela was a very hot Eurasian chick that was Frankie's roommate.
To avoid falling in love with Frankie, I started dating Pam.  Frankie actually recommended I started dating her roommate.
Frankie, as I mentioned before, was a hot blonde, with a big ass.  Pamela, on the other hand was an Eurasian with big boobs.
I actually had more of a relationship with Frankie, as I have written before; but the last time I fucked Pam, she put a condom on her tongue, and then she rimmed me.  That's pretty fucking creative, and it did get my dick hard.
Afterwards, she rode me cowgirl style as I played with her boobs.
Extremely hot.

Weapons Tutorials

Ok, a lot of people buy stainless steel swords.  A stainless steel bowie, tanto, or wakazashi, are perfectly good weapons; but when it comes to swords, not so much.  They will either break, or be too heavy to wield.  For example, my brother collects Kit Rae swords, which look nice; but if you take that into a fight with me, I will cut it in half with my katana.
For a sword or a machete, you need to use carbon steel, and preferably have it quenched in the same way that a katana or a gurka kikri knife is quenched, although you could not do that with a machete (the blades on those are too thin). But still, machetes are very good tools and very nice weapons. My katana is too long to use indoors (I actually broke one of my chandeliers practicing with it), so I would instead use my machete if someone tried to break into the house.
In fact, one time I thought sometime was trying to break into the house, and I was buttnaked because I had just had sex with my current gf, and I had both the katana and the machete handy.  I just drew my machete and went out there.  Turns out it was just cats on the roof; but if it had been an intruder, it would have gotten macheted to death.


I am currently trying to build a forge so I can make a kunai and a gurka kikri using the millenary Japanese forging method.  Also, to forge some armor.  I will need an anvil for that, though.

Frankie

Frankie was a girl from Pensylvannia.  She was the second girl I ever fucked; but Valerie, who was the first girl I ever fucked, was a total bitch, I never fucked her again, and I would never fuck her again.  Ever.  Period.
Frankie was a blonde with a big ass.  She liked for me to eat her out and play with her boobs as I frenchkissed her.  Then she liked for me to fuck her doggy style.  I tickled her asshole as I was doing that.  She liked it.

Vocaloids

If you know anything about Japanese culture, then you know what a Vocaloid is.  My favorite ones are Hatsune Miku, her evil twin, and Megurine Luka.
Toyota actually did an advertising campaign featuring Hatsune Miku.
It did not make me want to buy a Toyota car (I will not do that until the bring back the Supra); but it did make me kind of hungry for bacon wrapped hotdogs.
Here are the links:
Miku Chitchat
Miku bacon wrapped hotdog (suki da yo):
Bacon Wrapped hotdog
And for a bonus, you get a duet with both Hatsune and Megurine:
Magnet
Oh, also the render room:
Chotto, Yamete yo!

Fight Club

Ok, Both Chuck Palahniuk, and Meatloaf are geniuses.  You should totally check out Bat Out of Hell  II: Back Into Hell.  Especially Wasted Youth.  But do not try that at home.  He is a professional.  That is the best rock opera album evar, and Miss Loud is very sexy too.
Wasted Youth
First rule of fight club is that you don't talk about fight club.  Second rule of fight club is that YOU DO NOT talk about fight club.  Third rule of fight club is that if tonight is your first night at fight club, you WILL fight.  Fourth rule of fight club is that you don't shoot your imaginary friend near a metric shit ton of explosives.  Fifth rule of fight club is that I'm not at all homosexual; but if I could have gotten fucked by Brad Pitt while I was fucking Helena Bonham Carter back when that movie was made, I would have totally done that at the drop of a hat.  That would have been a pretty hot threesome back then.  Now, not so much. Neither of them is very hot now.  Also, I was a lot hotter back then.
That would have been a pretty hot threesome, though.  Lol.

Hackers

Ok, if anyone fucks up my fucking computer, I will either machete or katana, or slingshot, or nunchaku you to death.  I'm looking at you, South Africa.  Nerds should not fuck with me.  You hack my computer?  I will hack you dead.  That is the way it will go.  I will make a stealth submarining trip over there, just to kill you. I  don't even want to go over there for Pixie; but I WILL go over there for a grudge.  Fucking nerd.
Step off  or you will get a fucking katana in the eye and through the brain.  Do not fucking mess with me geek.  Even without weapons I could break your neck.  You know how to hack computers?  I know how to break people's necks with my bare hands.  But I will not go over there unarmed.
I cannot overstate this enough.  You push, you will get kilt.  By my hand.  I am all out of fucks, and all out of bubble gum bitches.  I don't even like bubble gum.  I hate that shit!!!!

Coming Out of the Closet Part 2

As I have stated before, I have fucked a lot of women.  Those are some of the blogs that have gotten me the most traffic to this blog.
One of my friends just recently got married to a girl; but he also made out with a couple of dudes before that. I will always have that guy's back, and I know he will always have mine.  I don't really care who he made out with.  He's my fucking friend.  That's all I care about.
One of my other friends is a lesbian.  Once she came out, the hatred from her own family sent her on a downward spiral of self-destruction.  I once had to save her from drowning on her own vomit.  That woman later pretty much saved my life too.
Another one of my friends, who is actually a pretty well known celebrity, went gay for a while.  Now he is happily married and has a kid.
Let's turn it around, and say that instead of having sex with so many women (because I've had sex with more women than I can count), I, as a male, had sex with as many men.  Why would anyone give a fuck about that.  Why would anyone give a fuck about what two consenting adults do behind close doors?

Viet Kim

Kim was addicted to opiates; but she also like to suck dick, and get fucked.  Every time I fucked her I came inside of her.  Every single time,  I came inside of her.  She had like a Honduran boyfriend; but I still fucked her and came inside her.
While she was dating that dude, I fucked Kim. I fucking hate condoms, and I certainly never used any with Kim.  She never much minded me cuming in her pussy.  One time she actually got naked in public outside my car after I filled her full of semen.  I'm not quite sure why she did that; but Vietnamese chicks are hot, so that's why I fucked her, and why I came inside of her every single time I fucked her.  I filled that girl so full of semen, it's not even funny.  I did it a whole bunch of times, sometimes in my car, and sometimes in her room, at her house.

Misty

The first time I met Misty, she was kind of fat.  The second time she had lost weight, and she was very sexy.  I fucked her, and I came inside of her; even though she was on her period.
The third time I met Misty, we did it doggy style. Also, we filmed it.
The third time, we not only filmed it as we were doing it doggy; but she also tasted my cum.
Misty also happens to be addicted to cocaine.  That is not something I will ever judge her for.
She also has a baby with another man, and still, we fucked and she tasted my semen, and I came in her pussy.
I love that woman.  I will probably will never meet her again, and I'm not gonna mention her real name; but I love that woman.

Ninjas

Ninjas are not how youh thought they are,  Black pijamas are stupid.  Ninjas never really wore that.  Ninjas tried to pass off as farmers and construction workers.  Until they attacked, then they drew the tantos and the nunchaku.  That's why you can't see a ninja.  Ninjas don't exist, until they stab you or put you in a Japanese chokehold and break your neck.
This is how historically ninjas even started.  A samurai class Daimyio had war unleashed against him.  He lost and he died.
His son, the samurai prince, ran for the hills, there he met a buddist warrior monk.  The monk taught the prince a new way to fight, and that is why ninjas exist.

Fuck Your Car. I've a Horse Outside.

Honda Civics and Subarus suck.  You should really reevalute your life if you drive one of those cars.
I want a Camaro; but If I can't manage that, I'm just gonna go all ninja, and buy a horse.  Just like in this vid
I want a Camaro; but I will settle for a horse
Honda civics and Subarus suck.  Chevy's on the other hand, rule.
Especially if they can transform into robots, and know kung fu. 
Reference to Bumblebee.

Jehova's Witnesses

You'd think the Jehova's Witnesses would take a hint the first time you tell them to go to hell.  You'd think so; but you'd be wrong. 

I mention it because one of these assholes just rang my doorbell, and since I was not expecting visits I was like "who is it?"  And dude was like "good day to you friend"  I looked through the peephole, and then I was like "got to hell."  I don't even remember what he said to me after that; but it got me to raise my hackles, so I just yelled "go to hell you sonofabitch!"

Seriously, I despise religion; but the Jehova's witnesses are one of the most egregious fucking cults evar.  They have their own version of the bible, and they have predicted pretty randomly that in 2014 the world will end.

That pretty much goes agaisnt everything that Christianity means.  Not that I believe in the Judeo-Christian belief system.  I just fucking hate hypocrisy.

You do not claim an allegiance and then go against it.  This is what the bible says about the apocalypse.  Matthew 24:36:

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."

Don't claim to be a Christian if you want to believe otherwise.  Don't be a fucking hypocrite. 

 

 

Sasha/Cheyenne

Ok, so I don't really know this girl's name.  She gave me two different names in two different occassions.  The first time I met her, she let me fuck her.  My plan was to come in her mouth.  I told her this.  As I was fucking her. She told me that she wanted to hear me moan while I fucked her.
Then I told her that I was about to come.  She then told me to come on top of her (like on her tits?  I don't really know what she meant); but I misunderstood it,  I thought she said "come inside of me," so I came inside of her.  She didn't much mind.
The second time I met her, I came in her mouth, and she swallowed my cum.
Also, if she is Cheyenne, I'm the queen of England.  She was just a white girl from California.  She certainly was sexy though.  You have to give credit when credit is due.   My only regret is that I didn't fuck her in the ass,  because I could have easily done that.  Apparently she liked it in her ass.

Parties and Bathrooms

Pretty much anytime that you have a gathering of people who have been drinking you are going to have a line of people forming up on the bathroom to pee.  I remember this one time in SF that my friends took me to a party that I didn't particularly want to go to, and I spent the better part of it waiting in line.  It was actually interesting because the two girls behind me were playing with each other's boobs; but when the people who were in there stopped monopolizing the bathroom, the lesbians jumped ahead of me in line.  I was so ticked off at that point, and then one of my friends just told me, hey, let's just pee outside.  So that's what we did.
Here's a vid that is a pretty perfect example of what I'm talking about:
Don't monopolize the goddamned bathroom, asshole!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody gives a fuck if you snort cocaine in public.  I have actually been offered cocaine by a friend of mine, and I don't think less of her for sniffing powder.  In fact, I know most of my friends have sniffed powder at one time or another (I never have.  That is the drug that scares me the most, because I think I would like it.  It would look like Scarface.  It just would be all bad).
Just don't do it in the goddamned bathroom.  People need to pee.

Weapons Tutorials

Ok, so I kinda jumped the gun.  From the guava tree I fell, I cut down a fork.  A high fork.  From that, I intend to make a slingshot.  It's actually very ergonomic, and will make a very nice slingshot to shoot hammer grip style.  The hardest part will be figuring out the rubber.  But the fork is beautiful.  I just have to cure the wood.  I will do that when I cure the nunchaku wood.

Kandy

The first time I met Kandy she sucked my dick and swallowed my cum.  The second time I met her, she told me to fuck off.  I'm not quite sure why.  The third time I met her, she told me just how much she enjoyed swallowing my semen the first time I met her, and even the way my legs twiched as I ejaculated in her mouth. She also told me that I was the first one to ever come in her mouth, although she had had vaginal sex with other people before. After she told me that, she let me fuck her and come inside of her.  We did that several times.
This is why I don't understand women.  How do you randomly go from "I will swallow your semen," to "I hate you, you SOB!" And then from that to "you are so hot.  Come in my pussy."
I love women; but I just fucking plain don't understand them.  I'm not sure I ever will.

Weapons Tutorials

I know I have been lagging on this; but I just got a high torque drill, and I should be getting the batteries and charger for it soon.  As you might know, I had to fell the guava tree in my backyard (It was a variety that was very susceptible to plagues, so all the fruit was all maggoty, and the final result was that it just shed leaves that clogged up the drain in the backyard, so that the backyard and my kitchen, and the room out back would get flooded when it rained.  So I Paul Bunyaned the hell out of that shit).  Out of that wood, I am trying to make a shillelag (an Irish fighting stick), and a three piece nunchaku.  The plan is to carve a dragon on the center staff of the nunchaku with the drill, cover all three pieces in butter, then bake them until they get that nice black sheen.  That is also how you cure the wood on the fighting stick, although I don't think that will fit in my oven (I would appreciate alternative suggestions about that).  Then afterwards, I will buy a couple of pieces of chain, and use long screws to join the three pieces of wood.  Three piece nunchaku should be done pretty soon.  Next up will be either a sling, or a slingshot, or a pistol grip pump action crsossbow.  I think the sling will be the simplest, so I'm probably gonna go with that.
I will show you pictures of everything I make.  Don't get me wrong.  I love guns; but sometimes you need a weapon that is more silent.  That is the only reason I even own a katana.

Unrequited Love

Maybe that's a misnomer for the title.  I recently fell in love with a South African model.  She is only 16; but she can double fist balisongs.  And that's why I fell in love with her.  Also, before you freak out, 16 happens to be the age of consent in South Africa.  How do I get over there or get her over here?  I need that woman.  I need her in my arms.  I need her so bad it hurts.  I have never felt this way about any woman before. I want to caress her,  I want to kiss her, I want to lick every inch of her body.  I want to spank her ass as she rides me. I can't stop thinking about her; but you know what?  She's liked my comments to her.  Maybe there is hope for me yet.  Although I might just go crazy just thinking about her.  I mean, my internal monologue is just her name.  over and over.  It's 4:15 a.m. here, and I should be asleep, instead, I'm obsessing over her. I NEED THAT WOMAN!!!!  She WILL be mine!!!!

Lola

I don't usually hire prostitutes; but when I was 23, I saw this ad on craigslist; by this half Puerto Rican, half Chinese chick.  And she actually wrote that the people hiring her could come in her pussy.  She wore ballet shoes, and had a pink breast cancer ribbon on her satchel.  She was obviously someone who excercised a lot.  She had like an eight pack on her abs, and a lot of definition everywhere.
I have more muscle mass; but I still wouldn't have wanted to wrestle her, and luckily, I didn't have to.  After a little small talk, she started sucking on my dick, and then I fucked her until I came inside of her.  She wrapped her legs around my butt to push my dick even deeper inside of her at the end.  I fucking love when girls do that because it's fucking hot.
Also, when I first put my dick inside of her, she actually asked me just how big I am.  I am actually not that big, only like 6", but I can hit uterus, especially with petite girls.  Anyways, a good time was had by all.

Prostitution in El Salvador

Whenever I see prostitute ads asking $100 and more, I laugh.  Ridiculous.  In the US or the EU, maybe, but $100 is like the minimum wage of what a person makes down here in one week.  In fact it's more than that.  And if you're making more than that, you don't need to pay for sex.  You have to beat the chicks off with a stick.  And you can get laid with pretty hot girls for anywhere from $10 to $25 down here.  Sometimes just taking them out to eat pupusas or whatever. 
I actually told this Colombian prostitute that she was not gonna get the price she was asking for.  She had gotten her luggage, including her laptop stolen from the airport at Comalapa.  After I told her that, and even volunteered to vouch for her to buy a chip for her cellular (because of the restrictions against that in El Salvador).  She sent me kisses, and told me not to bother.  She was just gonna go to the US, and then back to Colombia.  I hope she is well.  Some prostitutes are very sweet.  This particular one was.  I never got to enjoy her charms; but someone must have in the US.  Lucky dogs.

My Screensaver and Rule 34

There are certain rules of the internet.  Rule 34 is that porn exists for pretty much anything that you can think of on the internet. I shall expound on this later; but first let me tell you what is on my screensaver.
My screensaver consists of fictional spaceships,  cool cars, motorcycles, Bobba Fett, Gundam, badass planes (from single prop '30s racers to state of the art jets), Hajime Sorayama illustrations (usually the sexy robots; but also the pinup girls), porn actresses either naked, getting fucked, or swallowing a load or a few (My favorite porn stars are Sativa Rose, with Sasha Grey being a close second; but there are many, many more porn actresses on my screensaver).
This is what brings us to rule 34.  Another thing that is in my screensaver is fakes of all my favorite celebrities either naked or getting fucked.  And the thing is, the fakes are better than real pics of the celebrities.  I've seen paparazzi pics of Princess Diana topless on the beach.  Her boobs weren't much to look at; but you take pics that she actually posed for, get a cute girl to pose nude, and put Diana's head on top of that body.  Fucking hot.  All thanks to the magic of photoshop.
I have fakes of all the sexiest women in Hollywood, and Flo from Progressive Insurance, and all my favorite singers, like Rihanna, for example.  I fucking love rule 34.  That merits a helicopter dick.  Oh yeah!  Imma slang that dick.

Dark Knight Rises. My Thoughts on Catwoman

Ok, here was a concept that I thought was pretty good.
That's Catwoman for ya, always catty.
But they ended up with this instead:
Catshit
If that's what they are going with, I'm not even gonna watch the fucking movie.  That looks retarded.  Correction.  It looks fuctarded.

Mouses Rule!

Ok if you are as big a fan of Barelypolitical (aka the key of awesome) on Youtube, as I am, you should totes check out the videos featuring Dále,  I mean Dale.  Like this one.
Dale rides a snake
and this one where he's riding Frank, which is iconic:
When I grow down I want to be Dale. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Welax now, welax. Hiya! Hiya!
Just go watch that shit.  Fucking hillarious.

American Politics

I call BS on those praising Obama for anything positive going on in the middle East.  His lack of principles and convictions has left the US with a downgrade in the S&P rating, and almost undid the rebellion in Lybia.  He still has done nothing about Syria, and I'll believe Bin Laden is dead when I see video footage of the raid.  I swear this guy couldn't order lunch at a buffett without taking a straw poll on each item.  Undecisiveness is not something I look for in a leader.
Because of this he has lost his base.  I'm not quite sure that he can even win the Democratic nomination, much less the Presidency in 2012.
In other words, what an eejit.

These People Are Nuts

3. Julia Stiles in Cuba.
Cuba is an oppressive regime, what a fucking shocker!
2. Vampires aren't real, you fucking n00b!
Seriously?  Fucking seriously?  I could just stab this guy in the heart with my folder tanto, and he'd be dead.  Not with a wooden stake or anything like that, just a folding steel pocket knife.  Fucking eejit.
1.Sandra Bullock has to pay him alimony because the guy ain't shit
Ok, Sandra Bullock is a bit older than me, by like 11 years; but if I managed to have that woman as my girlfriend, or wife, I would totally hold on to her and be loyal to her till death do us part, because I could finish any verbal fight by saying "I fuck Sandra Bullock every night.  Your arguement is invalid."

Mag's Advice Column

Again, I'm pulling a bunch of these off FML.  So it doesn't happen to you.

 Q: Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit.
Now this particular one comes from Vietnam.
A: I can't help you.  To quote the great Homer Simpson, who is about as dumb as a stump, "in theory, Communism works.  In theory."  Actually, maybe you could denounce that bitch for being a capitalist infiltrator; but you'll probably have to sleep with a party member.  I don't even know how communism works, except I'd look for the easiest way to get the bitch killed, or to kill her myself, because I might forgive; but I never forget.  Also, I never forgive.

Q:Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months.
A:  I hope they stole all your plumbing, electrical wiring, and everything of value in your house.  Thank you for your service, dumbass.  Why the hell did you not arrange for a housesitter during your deployment, genius?  You totally deserve that for being stupid.  Not that I harbor any bad sentiments against servicemen, just against stupid people.

Q:Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done.
A:Ok, this is just like an example of the many you find on FML of people dating absolute dicks.  Notice that she didn't make any mention of dumping him.  If you wanna be stupid, I can't blame the douchebag for wanting to take advantage of you; because predators always go for the weakest of the herd, and you appear to be fucktarded.

QToday, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together.
A:Make it clear that if they don't lay off you, they will never see any grandchildren that you've given them ever again, or any that you might have in the future.  If you don't have children, then just give them the silent treatment.  When they call you, hang up on them, and continue doing that until they give you a heartfelt apology for being all up in yo bidness.

Q:Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke.
A:Girrrrlll, you ARE fat.  Lose some weight.  Seriously, it's obvious.

Q: Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep.
A: I'd just beat the asshole to death bury him in the backyard, cover his body with lye, nobody would ever even know what happened.  And I wouldn't do it for the sake of monogamy.  I would do it because I would know he is an asshole, and a liar.  I couldn't possibly undress anyone in their sleep without them noticing, especially if they were sleeping right next to their boyfriend, and if however unprobably I managed it, I would not admit to it, much less volunteer it.

Q:  Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child.
A:  Ok bad form on his part; but there is nothing you can do about it.  BTW, would you like some whine with your cheese?  Also, asking your brother to stab the expectant mother of his child, AND his unborn child is NOT, I repeat, NOT the most tactful and diplomatic way of getting the mother's child or your brother to have any respect for you from here on out.  Learn some manners asshole.  If it were me, I would probably have punched you into another dimension for even suggesting it.  You are lucky that your brother actually has a sense of humor about it.

Q: Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to.
A: Just start insulting the bitch until she has to answer back, and if she slaps you instead, you slap her harder, and then you Frenchkiss her, and then you fuck her, and maybe neither of you utter a word; but afterwards you say, in a Sean Connery accent "I love a shpirited game of hide the winie, becaushe I alwaysh win."  She will get off that trip then.  This is infallible.

Q: Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this.
A: You ask her who's the client, and if she fucks around, you ask her for your money back, and you report the bitch to the PTA.  Believe me, she needs that money.  Photographer's profit margins are pretty razor thin, especially in this economy.

Q: Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan.
A: Proceed ash shtated above in the one that I mentioned Shean Connery.  She can't poshibly be that shtupid, she just has raging posht-partum depreshion, and a good rough fuck will fixsh her.  There ish really nothing a good rough fuck won't fixsh in a woman.  I am sho sherioush.

Well, As I said, I pulled all these off FML. The questions that is.  The answers are all mine.  A less profane version of my answers to some of the same questions are up on that site; and I left out the link to the questions because I think it would be redundant, and you would also have to sort through a ton of comments to see mine.  That is why I'm posting my answers right here.  So you can have a direct answer line to the Magster of disaster. If you would like to leave me your own questions, contact me through the comments.
I am the advice columnist that shoots from the hip, and tells it like it is.

Nazis, Coco Chanel, The Fall of the Third Reich, and the Hitler Youth

Ok, so this new book came out saying that Coco Chanel was a Nazi spy during WWII.  I don't necessarily believe the claim.  I believe that whenever a major claim is made, major proof must be shown.
I also think that her estate should come up with a better excuse than "Uhh, we don't know,"  Because if anyone accused me of being a Nazi, I would tell them exactlifuckingly where I was and what I was doing at the time, and why I was doing that.  I mean if you have ever watched Europa, Europa, which is an excellent film, then you know that this one Jewish kid actually fucked a Nazi officer the first time he fucked anybody, then when this other girl felt attracted to him, he tried to grow his foreskin back, and failed at it, and when the allies were closing in, he tried to defect to them; but all the rest of the Germans thought he was charging, so they charged with him, and they hailed him as a hero afterwards, etc, etc.  Just fucking watch the movie.
So if anyone accused me of being a Nazi after my death my goddamned heirs should account for my fucking whereabouts at the time. I mean, I know this girl that told me very candidly that during the war, the only reason that her grandfather and her grandmother survived is because a Nazi officer was fucking her grandmother, and basically, all her grandfather could do was try not to think too much about it.
I also knew this German lady a long time ago that told me about how her younger brother had to flee from place to place all across Europe to keep from getting drafted into the Hitler Youth.
Apropos, another excellent film about the last days of WWII is Downfall, starring Bruno Ganz.  It is so badass that it has actually spawned the Hitler meme on Youtube.  However, the original film shows (and this is historically accurate) how the Nazis used the Hitler youth as cannon fodder when the allies were at the gates of Berlin.
Also, the Pope.  I am quite sure that he was drafted into that.  I don't have a problem with him for being in the Hitler youth.  I only have a problem with him for being the goddamn Pope and not trying to correct any of the mistakes of the Catholic church over the last fucking five hundred motherfucking years.  What the fuck are you wating for, you fucking asshole?  A message from god?  Just have the balls to do it!  What a douchebag!

The Nicky Minaj Sex Tape Scandal

Ok, so I've been hearing these rumors in the intertubes that there is a sex tape of Nicky Minaj somewhere out there; but trying to look for any info about the story there is no substantiation at all of the rumor except for some topless picture of a girl that kind of looks like her.  Her nip slip on the Today Show is more salacious, because at least I know that IS her with her tit popping out.
I'm calling bullshit.  If there is a sex tape, I will not only watch it, I will also download it;  because I happen to be in love with Nicky Minaj's ass. I would kiss that ass, lick it bite it, slap it and tap it as many hours of the day as I could dedicate to it. I would court Nicky Minaj's ass until her ass fell in love with me. That is an epic ass.
However, when someone happens to have a very large tattoo on their arm, it's pretty easy to tell if that is in fact the actual person they are claiming it is on that tape.Why in the hell do they not show the tattoo in the picture, and why the hell has that tape not been put up somewhere? If I had a sex tape of Nicky I wouldn't try to sell it for $100K. I'd start my own frigging website and get way richer.

The Iluminati

The Illuminati are a shell front for the Freemasons, which in turn are a shell front for the Satanists, who (whom?) are a shell front for the 7 elders of Zion, who serve a race of aliens, whose masters, in turn, are a computer, and five women that reside at the center of the earth.  One has blonde hair, one has black hair, one has red hair, one has blue hair, one has no hair.  Through this complicated web of alliances, a huge organization has taken over the UN and some of the largest and most powerful governments and militaries in the world.  Their aim is to create a worldwide empire, and steal our precious organs for their delicious nutrients.  Also, they want to rape our ice cream.
In case you are wondering whether I'm serious, I can assure you I'm serious as a heart attack, and all of it will come to a head in 2012, when they will simultaneously release an army of zombies and robot enforcers to create the apocalypse.
Just kidding.  I'm being sarcastic about conspiracy theorists.  The Freemasons and the Shriner's are very benevolent organizations that have built many works of charity, including numerous children's hospitals.  They happen to be somewhat secretive, and they have gotten a bad rap because of it; but it's basically a version of when you were a kid and wanted to form your own clique, so you you got together with your friends and you invented a secret handshake.  Also, Freemasons basically invented the United States.  Many of the US founding fathers were Freemasons, and to this day there are many Masonic symbols in the US currency.
As for Satanists, my brother tells people that he's a Satanist.  That's like telling people "I'm a LARPER," or "I never outgrew my high school emo phase."  He does it for effect only, and he's like the biggest loser ever.  I know for a fact that the guy can't even get laid in a whorehouse, because one of my childhood friends told me about it.
The Illuminati were actually a thing; but it's been highly misinterpreted what exactly they were.  The historical Illuminati were the Bavarian Illuminati.  You can wiki them.  I'm not gonna overexplain them.
In respect to the modern Illuminati, zombies, aliens, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, demons, the 2012 end of the world bullshit, the boogeyman, the sigüanaba, etc.  I will believe in any of those things the damn day I see them.  You know what scares me, wanna be dictators, muggers, and having too little money in my bank account.  Also bearsharks, and landsharks, because those are the scariest kinds of sharks evar.
The reason I'm talking about this is that this morning I was reading about Vanessa Hudgens nude pics, and that took me to Tila Tequila's lesbian threeway porn vid, which took me to to a prank she did (It's pretty funny, the black guy is the funniest, he's just like "OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, uhhhhhhhhhh!"  Here's the link to that:
Tila Tequila prank); but it also took me to her blog, and there I saw a post about this John Carpenter movie:
They Live We Sleep
This is just supposed to be a frigging fun popcorn movie, just like all John Carpenter movies.  I mean the guy has never even tried for an Oscar or anything; but the guy that posted that vid, and the other 2 continuing the story actually thinks the movie is real.  Read all the stuff he edited into the vids.  Obviously the guy is paranoid shizophrenic.  Also, Tila Tequila is a pretty girl; but she is a frigging airhead if she thinks anything about this movie is supposed to be serious. Although I've always pretty much known Tila Tequila is an eejit.  For serious.  I mean, I'm writing a novella about Chtulu; but it doesn't mean I think he's real.   Everyone likes a good horror story every once in a while, for shits and giggles.  It doesn't mean those stories are true.

Lori

Ok, so I have already written about how Crystal is probably the one woman that I have had the most sex with.  Now I'm going to write about the first one I ever came inside of.  Keep in mind I had already had sex without a condom with a lot of women before this.  In fact, I hardly ever use condoms to fuck.  Lori was a very hot black chick who had a boyfriend, and yet she agreed to have sex with me while he was in the room, and another friend of mine taped it.   She sucked me off so well, and for so long, that her boyfriend decided he had to go run an errand, after a while we decided that we were gonna fuck doggystyle.  By this time, she had been blowing me for like half an hour (conservative estimate really,), so as soon as I put it in her pussy, and I pumped her for about a minute (keep in mind I was trying to hold out), I came inside of her, which was not what I was meaning to do; but it happened.  The guy taping it called me a three pump chump, just as a joke.  She then squeezed my semen out of her pussy, which looked so frigging hot.  By the time her boyfriend got back to the place, she had resumed sucking me off, and he actually got to watch me giving her a facial.  There's actually some video someplace of me facialling her.  Damn, that chick was hot.

Coming Out of the Closet

Let's say that I were gay.  Let's say that I regularly met random men, and swallowed their semen, after sucking their cocks. Or let's say that I were a woman, and liked to lick other women's pussies, or suck their nipples.  Hell, as a man,  I do that, and some men have even paid me to to that to their wives, and nobody judges me for it. Let's say that I were a man, and I liked to get fucked by other men, in my ass.  Or let's tell the truth.  I love to have sex with more women in one year than most men have sex with in a lifetime, and I love to have an audience while I'm doing it, or to have it on video. Whose business is it besides mine, and the other person I'm having the sex with? And the people that are watching it?  Also, if I happen to video it, and you don't want to watch it, don't fucking watch it.  If you are there, and you don't want to watch it, don't fucking watch it; but don't poke your nose in it, because you know what happens to stupid people that can't seem to remember what happens to nosy ppl?   Nosy ppl lose their noses.  That's my frigging motto for anyone that tries to shove their nose in my biz.  Just don't do that. Seriously.  I am not even kidding.
I guess my overall stance is that if some people are having sex, whatever their gender, and no matter how many people are either actively or passively involved, either by actually participating, or just by watching, as long as everybody is consenting, and old enough to be able to make that choice (and the age of consent varies from place to place, and I don't really want to get into a discussion about that) and you are offended by it, then you shouldn't be watching that, so don't watch it.  I mean, it's not like you don't have options, for example:
1.  If it's in real life, leave the goddamned place.
2.  If it's video, pop out the cdr, or close your browser or whatever.
3.  You get the fucking idea.  I would probably have starved to death at one crucial point in my life, if it weren't for my friends, some of who happen to be lesbians or gay, or bisexual, or whatever.  I don't really care who they fuck.  They are my fucking friends.  That is the only thing that I fucking care about.

Relish

Ok, in the US buying a jar of relish is no big deal; but here in ES, it's a fucking pain in the ass.  So today I had to do some errands, and go to one of the biggest malls down here, and I found a bigass jar of Vlassic sweet relish, and a botlle of A-1 steak sauce down there.  It was over $11 but I'm just lucky I found the stuff, because I can make a steak sauce that tastes just the same, and I pickle my own gherkins; but who wants to go through the trouble of getting all the ingredients together to make that sauce, or  waiting for the gherkins to pickle to chop them up into relish?  Not me, I'll tell you that much.  I have so much relish now (a little jar of regular domestic pickles down here is about $4.  The one I bought is a huge jar, and it cost the same), that I can make tartar sauce, so I can dress a nice shark fillet sandwich (for some goddamned reason, you can't buy tartar sauce anywhere in ES, you have to make your own.  It's not that difficult, you just buy mayo, relish, and capers; but the hard part is that you either have to chop up your own relish, or buy it. Good luck finding it, and I just can't be bothered at this point in my life to make my own goddamn condiments.  I mean it's just fucking relish.  I should be able to buy that shit off the damn shelf, and today, thankfully, I was able to do that)  Also, I'm probably gonna try to do bacon wrapped hotdogs, just like Hatsune Miku loves to eat, as evinced here:
Hatsune Miku Chit Chat
and here:
Hatsune Miku and the Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog
On another note, on the bus ride home, this mendicant gets on the bus, and everything about his stance, his body language, and the words coming out of his mouth told me "he's about to hijack this bus."  I was all the way in the back, and could have easily gotten off at the next stop; but instead I just went for my tanto folding pocket knife, and my internal monologue was, "you are not gonna get a single red cent from me buddy, the only thing you are gonna get is stabbed in the heart."  He got out after like three stops witout any incident.  I don't know if I misjudged the guy, or if there was something about the way I acted that disuaded him from committing a robbery; but I'm pretty proud that although I could have easily taken the easy way out, I decided instead to stand my ground.  I mean seriously, there was something very shady about this guy.

Crystal

So about 15 years ago. I met Crystal.  I didn't know at the time that she was only seventeen, although she was only a few months away from having her eighteenth birthday. To me she was just a really hot black girl, who dressed really snappy and stylish.  She also had a live-in boyfriend; but the minute we saw each other, we fell in love. We dated for a long time, and it wasn't after I'd known her for a long time that I realized she was only seventeen when I first met her. This is only important because the age of consent.  In California, it's 18, although as I've mentioned before, she looked older, and she was always welcoming of my sexual advances.  I also know from what she told me that she had had sex with many other men before me, plus, as I mentioned, the entire time we were dating she was living with another man.  We made love together, and she is possibly the one girl I've made love to the most, and filled full of semen the most.  It's quite possible that if she has a son or daughter, it's mine.  The last time we fucked I came into her mouth, although she didn't swallow.  But I did come in her pussy more times than possibly any other woman,  We actually did sex on tape once, although that vid has been lost to the ages.  Just in that vid, I gave her a creampie and then gave her a facial.  By that time she was eighteen, so anybody that wants to come and argue to me about whether or not I'm a pedophile, they will lose that arguement.  My daughter-in-law got married to a cop at 16, and I happen to know that in some states in the US the age of consent is as low as 14.  Also, I never had sex with a woman before I was eighteen, and yet Crystal had sex with many people besides me before she was 17, despite having a live-in boyfriend.  Although it is debatable, it is quite possible that Crystal had more sex with more people than me by the time I met her.  But I did enjoy coming inside of her every single dingle time.

The Mysterious Disappearance of René Descartes

Ok, so for some reason, I just remembered an old joke one of my college physics professors once told on one of his lectures.  I don't think too many people have heard it, and a lot of people won't get it; but If you know anything about René Descartes, you will get it, and I'll have an explanation for dummies after the punchline.
So René Descartes is hanging out at the Champs Éliysées (seriously two tildes in the same word?  The French are crazy!), and he goes to his favorite coffee shop, and he orders a cup of coffee, and he starts working on his cartesian equations or whatever. After a while, he finishes his coffee, and the waiter comes over and asks him "would you like some more coffee." To which René Descartes replied "I think not."
And he was never seen again.


Explanation for dummies:
Besides inventing the cartesian coordinate system, René Descartes is also known for the quote "I think, therefore I am."  If you don't get it after reading that, you need a tutor to explain shit to you, and I am not that guy, so don't ask.

Top 5 Reasons Why I Hate Cops

Ernest Hemingway once wrote that if there was ever one single day that murder were legally allowed, he would kill all the cops he saw (Death in the Afternoon.  I highly recommend that book, because it is Hemingway in rare form, showing his most humorous, unrestrained side, probably his best book evar).  I second that emotion.  Most cops I've ever known are either incompetent (my son-in-law is a cop, and the last time he was in a shootout he shot himself in the foot trying to draw his 9 mm Jericho.  That's like the one gun in the world that you have to be objectively retarded to shoot yourself in the foot with, fucking eejit), or worse; corrupt, and rotten to the core.  Here are the top 5 reasons I hate them so much:

5. Cops shoot marine 60 times

Seriously, I guess the two tap doesn't matter when there are no consequences
 How many times do you have to shoot a guy if you really think he represents a threat?  2 at the most.  Guy was not even armed and he was not a drug dealer, which is the reason that they shot him in the first place.  And BTW, just legalize the damn drugs.  The prohibition breeds so much violence, it hurts my brain just to thing of the unfathomable depth of the mass graves in Ciudad Juarez.

4. Cops are racist, and they use tasers like toys

Watch this:

Stupidass racist cops

Now tell me to my face those assholes were justified in doing any of that, and I'll beat the fuck out of you.  Or better yet,  leave me five minutes alone in a room with each one of them, one at a time, I'll guarantee you they will all leave in a gurney or a bodybag.

3.  Cops Have a Mindhive

Ok, do not click on this link unless you want to be absolutely grossed out.

We will beat you beyond recognition unless you surrender

Seriously, they swarmed on an unarmed man, tased him five times, and they still had to beat him that bad?  Fucking assholes.

2.  Oscar Grant

Again, this video is graphic, do not watch it if you are weak of stomach.

Oscar Grant cuffed, beaten, and shot in the back

This sparked riots all over Oakland, and the asshole cop that shot him?  He got a 2 year sentence.  For murder.  Are you fucking kidding me?  2 years for murder?  That's like a slap on the wrist.  Fucking asshole.  I hope someone murders him, his whole family, and then burns his house down.  Murderer's name is Johannes Mehserle.  I no longer live in the bay area, and I have no plans of travelling there, and I am not responsible for what happens to him or his family but I really do hope he gets his, and the sooner the better.

1.  London is Burning 

Mark Duggan was shot execution style 

Somebody on a forum said that when morality fails, the police must beware the consequences, or something to that effect.  I don't agree that the whole city should burn because of it; but when I found out about this, I wanted to molotov a bobby so bad...

Dogs. How You Train Them

Ok, dogs need some space, some exercise, some attention, and a place to poop; but when all of that fails, restrict their space.  That will teach them discipline.  Do that throughout the day, then let them back into their bedding space at night.  I do not advocate beating a dog unless it attacks you.  Josie understands when I'm mad at her, so that's not even an issue for me.  To paraphrase DOB:  "Dogs are the best, they are so cute, so funny, so stupid, and absolutely perfect."  But if you have a dog, you have to train it.  You have to teach it discipline.  So many people around here have dogs that don't even have any manners, and it really pisses me off.  My dog is like one of two in this neighborhood that only barks when she wants attention and affection.  Everyone else has dogs that bark at every passerby.  That's a majestic fail, and if you own that dog, and someone poisons it (it's not hard to do, just buy some hot dogs, slit them in half, fill them with rat poison, and throw them or slip them under the door of where the dog is.  That dog will die.)  I won't do it because  I don't want my own dog getting poisoned; but someone else probably will.  My ex has poisoned a whole bunch of dogs.  She don't fuck around; but then again, she doesn't own a dog.
Irregardless (yes I know spelt it wrong; but I did it ironically, and don't call me a hipster for it) of what your creation theory is, God did not create dogs.  Dogs are a result of men interbreeding wolves, foxes, coyotes, and jackals. Through thousands of years.  Selecting the best characteristics, sometimes to the point of  inbreeding them (Dalmatians are a perfect example, every time Disney Releases a Dalmatian movie people run out in droves to adopt a whole bunch of Dalmatian puppies.  That is the worst kind of dog evar.  Most of them are deaf, and the ones that can hear you won't obey to commands.  Also, they are a large breed, so when they grow up, they might jump on you or bite you because of their insecurities.  Especially the males, even if they are neutered); that's why I like a mutt.  You have to select your mutt carefully; but I love the hell out of Josie.  Josie is absolutely cute, funny, loyal, affectionate, obedient, badass (she killed a fruit bat in the middle of the night once, I had to get her a rabbies shot because of it), stupid (off the Richter stupid sometimes), and absolutely perfect.

Shart Week. Top 6 Craziest Sharks

Ok, I meant shark up there; but I'll be damned if I'll correct it. So apparently, there are many kinds of sharks.  Let's start with the pussy shark:
#6 Nurse Shark:
Ok, so these apparently are some kind of shark prevalent in Australia, and look what a dog does to it:
Dog Bites Shark
#5 Bull shark
Man Bites Shark
Now I completely disapprove of people eating shark fin soup; beacause it's just a status symbol.  But if you happen to fish a shark, eat it whole.  It's meat is tasty, and unlike most fish, it happens to not have spines in it.  Shark meat is very tasty.  Bread it, deep fry it, and dress it with lemmon and tartar sauce.  Frigging delicious.  But this happens to be the one shark most likely to attack you or kill you.
#4 Blue shark
Ok, that's the one shark that you don't want to eat.  Apparently it pisses through it's skin, not worth fising; because it tastes like piss.
but they seem to swarm around the next one in the ocean.
#3 Mako shark
Ok, this is the fastest swimming shark.  In fact it is the fastest swimming fish ever.  It's Reynold's numbers are off the chart (Reynold's numbers are an indication of how fast a thing can go in the water or while flying).  It also happens to be the shark that tastes most like swordfish, so it's overfished, unfortunately.  But it is a noble animal, and it should be allowed to live.  Also, swordfish should not be overfished.  Marlin should also not be overfished.
When Hemingway used to fish marlin in the Pilar, It is said that he used to carry a tommy gun to kill the blue sharks.  I'd just kill one.  Sharks will eat each other once they realize another one is bleeding. 
#2 The Great White shark
This one has been maligned because of the Jaws movies, and most of the time that they attack people, it's because they confuse surfers with seals.  They don't even like human flesh, and in my opinion, it's the surfers' fault for going out in the shark's environment pretending to be seals.  Let them live.
#1 The Land shark
You will need an M-1 Garand or cyanide bullets to kill this thing.
Ok, the land sharks and the bearsharks, def need to be killed.  Let us now, as the race of man, produce more .30-06 semiauto rifles, and more .357  Magnum pistols, preferably in seven shot or eight shot variety, so that these monsters of nature might die, once and for all.  The phrase we'll use will be "I'm loaded for bearshark."

Here's a song in the key of awesome by a shark about the plight of sharks.
Shark Week Song
And here's the song that song is based on:
Do they know it's Christmas after all
Ok, right now, there is another famine in Africa
Somali Famine
I am not in a position to donate right now; but maybe you are, and if you are, I am sure something good will come out of it for you.  I don't believe in karma; but I believe in reciprocation and the goodwill of people.  I would probably have starved to death by now myself if people had let me.

Mag's Advice Column

Again, I'm just picking these out of FML:
Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML
Ok, seriously?  Have you ever heard of laxatives, dumbass?  Seriously!

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML
OK, so you have a cat, and a rodent, and yet you are so stupid that you do not keep them appart.  My 1 year old puppy just killed a fucking fruit bat about 3 weeks ago.  I had to get a rabbies shot for it.  YDI.  Also, fuck you for being stupid and negligent, and responsible for two pets dying. If I could beat you up, I'd totally do it.
Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML
Ok, that's the moment that you tell your dad to fuck off.  I just did that with my brother, who was asking me for $5600 that he supposedly paid for the house that we both inherited, and that I gave him power of attorney to sell, and yet he couldn't manage the damn thing, and I've actually fought my father, way before I knew so much about martial arts, and my dad can powerlift a lot more than me.  Or at least he could back then.  This happened about 19 years ago.  Today I would probably floor him with one punch. If anyone tried to fight me now, god help them; but back then, I was the underdog.
Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML
Jeez, just move to a different seat as far away from that guy, and if he follows you, kick him in the balls.

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML
YDI for dating an asshole.  There are plenty of nice guys you could date instead.  Even if I didn't include myself in the nice guy category, there are plenty of others that are nice.  And I'm nice enough to not do that.

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

YDI for being vegetarian.  Humans are not meant to be vegetarians.  Humans are omnivorous, dumbass.

Little Update

Ok, so just a little explanation why I have not posted more K&S.  I've had a lot on my plate lately, mainly stuff related to my health (for example, yesterday, Saturday, I wrote some posts, fed the dog, and then spent the rest of the day in bed trying unsuccessfully to stay hydrated and not puke.  I believe I've already said that I have a rare disease that depletes my body of potassium, also I'm writing a novella, and like half all of the people that I love got laid off, so I'm writing curriculum vitaes for them.  And figuring out how to build a forge, so I can do some metal working  And I have to go pay a bunch of bills this week, and some other stuff.  Probably no new K&S this week.  Just new commentary and opinions.  Take care.  Also, If you are interested in martial arts type stuff, check out the slingshot channel.  Here's the link:

The Sling Shot Channel

Also, he has a blog:

Joerg Sprave's blog

I am also planning to do do Japanese metal forging tutorials on this blog at some point in the future.

Nicole

Back in my 20's, I don't remember just how old I was, I met this chick through craigslist.  She lived about halfway between my workplace and my house, so I would date her on the way back from work.  One time I called her, and she told me "well you know, my girlfriend is visiting me from out of town.  It doesn't mean you can't come over; but she's gonna want some sex too."  And I was like "I'll be right over."  I spent a very nice evening with those two ebony beauties. Threesome. Fuckyeah!

The Human Centipede

So they made this horrible movie a few years ago.  It's not really a horror movie, it's not really torture porn, the only way I can really describe it is as disgusting.  I couldn't even watch it all the way through, and the only reason I know how it ended is that I looked it up on Wikipedia; but apparently, someone actually greenlit a sequel to this piece of garbage.  The only good thing to come out of this is that Ponceman (aka the retarded policeman) actually made a pretty funny parody of it.  Here it is for your enjoyment:
The Human Centipede 2 parody

Smurfs

Ok, so I haven't watched the movie, and even though is stars Neil Patrick Harris, I don't want to watch it.  Instead, this is the movie I'd like to watch:
lalalalalala sing a happy song
I would smurf any of those chicks all day long, any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  I know that really doesn't make sense; but I would totally do it.
Also, consider this:

If you know anything about me, you know I love lesbians.

More Sex Stories

So riding around in Oakland, California in my one ton dually pickup on MacArthur Boulevard, right around where it meets San Pablo Avenue, I once picked up this black chick about ten years ago. She must have been about 50 years old at the time; but she had like this really cool Supremes look going.  She also told me she was a grandmother.
This is pretty much what she looked like:

As she was sucking my dick she said "get your your rocks off, so I can knock your socks off."  She sucked me off for a long time,then I lay her down, fucked her and I came inside of her.  Afterwards, she told me "thank you baby."  I never saw her again after that; but that was some hot sexyness sex.  I get a hardon just thinking about her.

TheTop Seven Martial Artists of All Time

Number 7:  Chuck Norris.  Ok, we all make jokes abut how badass he is; but seriously, the guy sucks.  I could probably floor him with one punch, then slit his neck and stab him in the clavicular artery. He's just a joke.

Number 6: Brandon Lee.
OK, the guy was badass; but he died at an early age.  So maybe he should have saved his breath.   He might have lived longer.  I'm kidding.  I just wanted to make a Wesley Snipes joke.  Here's a vid of Brandon being badass, you also get some Ivan Drago as a bonus.  The movie is Showdown in Little Tokyo.  Featuring Tia Carrere.  Serioulsy, there is nothing about this movie that I do not like.  What happened Hollywood?  Too busy making smurf movies?  Fuck you.

Brandon Lee Kicking Ass

Number 5: Evil Ryu
Ryu doesn't even wear shoes.  He just dragon punches people into another dimension.  And Evil ryu uppercuts them into the 16th dimension.  BTW, that's the dimension where you are constantly being punched.  Also, He does the Hadouken and the Tatsu Maki Sen Puu Kiaku.  I want no piece of those pies.  Shouryuken!

Number 4:  Seanbaby

I would be remiss if I didn't mention a mixed martial artist that can floor people with one kick and has a frigging mohawk.  Also, Seanbaby invented being funny in the internet.  Here's his website:
Seanbaby is awesome

Number 3: Bruce Lee
Here is the only person that has ever killed Chuck Norris' ass:
Bruce Lee p'wns Chuck Norris
 Also there's this:
Bruce Lee vs. O'hara.
Now enter the dragon:
Bruce Lee don't fuck around
Destroy the images, and the enemy will die.

Number 2: Miyamoto Musashi

When Miyamoto Musashi was 13 he killed a 20 year old samurai.  This set him on a path of badassness that has earned him a reputation as the best dueling samurai evar.  BTW, Musashi had a really nice set of swords bought by the daimyo that employed him; but he actually preferred to use bokken.  In fact, the duel that is the epitome of his badassness was against Sasaki Kojirou. Sasaki used a nodachi, or ookatana, which is basically an oversized two handed katana.  Now keep in mind that musashi fought over 60 duels throughout his life.  He also took part in many military campaigns and even took on multiple opponents during some of those battles.  He used the terrain to p'wn those guys.   Fucking smart!
Now back to Sasaki.  The duel took place at the island of Funajima.  Sasaki was already there; but Musashi had to hire a boatman to get there.  On the way, Musashi took one of the oars that was laying in the boat, and he used his katana to make a bokken out of it.  He then sheathed his katana, and faced off against Sasaki with the bokken.  He ended up killing Sasaki with the bokken, and at the last minute drew his wakizashi (like a katana short sword type weapon); but Sasaki was already dead.  Here is a dramatization of that duel, played by Toshiro Mifune as Miyamoto.  The movie is Samurai III (yeah, it's a trilogy.  Watch all three movies, you won't regret it).  Oh, the island is also known as ganryujima (jima is Japanese for island); but this is the best dramatization I've found of it.  Just watch all three movies. But here is the one duel:
Miyamoto Musashi vs.  Koujiro Sasaki

Number 1:  Scorpion From Mortal Kombat

I can't forge a kunai, so, what I did, I tied a rope to a spade, then I sharpened all the edges and tied a rope to the handle.  Ore no namae wa scorpion desu!  Get over here!  Minna goroshi da!  Awesome weapon.  I've been practicing with it.  I could use it to climb or to rope things or to Scorpion them.
I lie like a mug.  I'm totally gonna build a forge and make two frigging badass kunais.  I already designed them.
Here are a couple of vids from Mortal Kombat Legacy, detailing Scorpion's story:

Scorpion vs. Subzero Part 1

Scorpin vs. Subzero Part 2

When a guy comes back from the dead, you better beware his kunai and his katana

Vengeance will be Mine!!!

Mag's Advice Column

Ok, so one of the pages I like to visit is FML; but sometime comments are deactivated.  So I will answer the hard-hitting questions right here.  On my blog.  You can also ask me questions in the comments if you want.  I'm not gonna gurantee the advice will be useful; but it will certainly be entertaining.  I'm not pulling any punches.  So here goes nothing:

Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

Ok,  I am non-white; but I can relate.  My grandmother is batshit insane.  My very dear aunt (my grandmother's daughter) actually told her that she went to Australia, and she's probably not coming back for ten years, because she just doesn't want to deal with the senile cunt's BS.  Now this is because my grandma has spit in the faces of everyone that has ever tried to help her.  I am about the only person that still helps the stupid bitch; but I'll tell you this:  If I ever see my crazy scammer thief uncle again, I'm gonna punch him or stab him into another dimension.

5 Reasons Why I Will Kill One Of My Brothers If Evar See Dude Again

Ok, my mother died back in 2005.  That was the same year my daughter was born.  She left my brother and me this old house, so the plan was that I would give him power of attorney and he would sell the damn house.  But here's what happened instead:

Number 5:  I don't really give a fuck about selling the house; but I'll guilt trip you forever after, also, I want $5600 out of the blue because I'm an asshole.

Ok Gustavo, You can just keep on stepping because I'm not paying you a single red cent.  I'll take your head clean off and dump you in the creek out back rather than pay you any money.

Number 4: I like to brag about fucking underage girls.

 Ok Gustavo.  I know you can't even get laid at a whorehouse.  The people that took you there told me about that and how you got kicked out; but the only regret I have in my life is not killing you the minute you told me you fucked a four year old, or when you told me you fucked our 14 year old niece.  I knew you didn't do it; but just because you bragged about it, I should have killed you.  Fucking underage girls is not something you brag about, asshole.

Number 3:  I like bragging about fucking all my female cousins.

Ok, fuck you Gustavo.  Just fuck you.  If you had that much game you wouldn't have married goatface, and you certainly wouldn't have had her in your house after the divorce.

Number 2:  I want to have sex with your baby's mother.

Seriously?  Is that how desperate for pussy you are, Gustavo?  I am not sorry that you will never have contact with them.  I am only sorry that thanks to you my father will never know his only granddaughter.  I hope you are proud of yourself.

Number 1:  I'm gonna snipe you.

Ridiculous.  You know fuckall about guns Gustavo.  I design guns; but I wouldn't even shoot you.  If you dare come here you will most certainly die, and it will not be by being shot.  I can assure you of that.  Sniping is not like in first person shooters, dumbass.

The 13 Best Bikes Evar.

Ok I'm not gonna be too picky about the term bike.  Some of these are gonna be trikes, some of these have sidecars.  Some of these are so dangerous that in the event of an accident you would die in and awesome concoction of blood flesh and metal (hey, if it's your time to go, don't halfass it)
Number 13:
Ok this is not an original idea; but it's the best execution I've seen of it.  The bike is a chopper, and the dude put a clearcoat on the fiberglass girl's body.  That bike has 1200 whore's power.

 Number 12:
The motherfucking Boss Hoss.  Take a look at this for a min:

That bike has a pretty large engine, if you've noticed.  That's because it has a fucking chevy V8 smallblock for an engine.  Among hotrodders, we know that as a mouse engine.  Some of these bikes actually have a rat engine (That's a Chevy bigblock) in them.  Those are so fast they can compete with funny cars at drag racing.

Number 11:
Hayabusa.  This one has a custom paintjob.  Look at all that chrome and gold accents.  I wanna have sex with the damn thing.  This is the result of this being a production bike.

 Number 10:  This looks like a Ducati.  But look at the sidecar.  That looks like a fucking Ferrari.  It  even has T-tops.

:

 

That's like the perfect family vehicle.

Number 9: 

So this guy in Asia decided to build a motorcyle that looks Like the Alien from the Alien movies.  The one that Ripley fights against.  Now that bike looks awesome: but if you were riding it, and had an accident. You would be instantly killed.  Just look at how many sharp things are projecting from it.  Fuck that.  I'll walk instead.

  

Number 8:

 Dykes on bikes.  Fuckyeah! I love lesbians.

 Number 7:

Ok, so that's just your run of the mill chopper, except motherfucking Shakira is riding bitch.  If you can ever manage that, tell your grandchildren about it; but be careful, because their brains might just explode if you don't prepare them for it.

Number 6:

That's Vladimir Putin riding the fuck out of a trike.  BTW, don't mess with former KGB agents.  They will totally p'wn you.

Number 5:

OK, old timey bike, actually a trike; but its got a shielded belt fed machine gun in front of it.  Awhatup now, hater?  What's that smell, ah, yess dookie.  You just shit your pants in terror.  Completely understandable.  Now die in a rain of lead, asshole!

Number 4:

Motherfucking Genesis Climber  Mospeada.  That´s the inspiration for the tikes in K&S BTW.

Number 3:

The Magna 750:

This post would be seriouly lacking if  did not include one of the fastest cruiser bikes evar.  It doesn't even have a chain.  It has a frigging driveshaft.  Chains are for pussies.  This thing will outrun most sportbikes, BTW.

Number 2:
The original tron lightcycle:

I just have no words to describe how awesome this thing is.  the skinny tire is in the back.  The wide one in the front.  It has a cover so you can have AC, and I can see a way to have a targa top on it.

Number 1:

Ok, no pictures yet, because I'm still developing the damn thing.  It's the trike from K&S.  It will look like a tron lightcycle, except two tires up front, one in the back.  RWD.  No chain, all shaft. The military versions will be able to transform into battle armor.  I'm still working on it because this is a trike you will be able to lean in order to take the curves faster.  So I'm working on the suspension.