Mag's Advice Column

Again, I'm pulling a bunch of these off FML.  So it doesn't happen to you.

 Q: Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit.
Now this particular one comes from Vietnam.
A: I can't help you.  To quote the great Homer Simpson, who is about as dumb as a stump, "in theory, Communism works.  In theory."  Actually, maybe you could denounce that bitch for being a capitalist infiltrator; but you'll probably have to sleep with a party member.  I don't even know how communism works, except I'd look for the easiest way to get the bitch killed, or to kill her myself, because I might forgive; but I never forget.  Also, I never forgive.

Q:Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months.
A:  I hope they stole all your plumbing, electrical wiring, and everything of value in your house.  Thank you for your service, dumbass.  Why the hell did you not arrange for a housesitter during your deployment, genius?  You totally deserve that for being stupid.  Not that I harbor any bad sentiments against servicemen, just against stupid people.

Q:Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done.
A:Ok, this is just like an example of the many you find on FML of people dating absolute dicks.  Notice that she didn't make any mention of dumping him.  If you wanna be stupid, I can't blame the douchebag for wanting to take advantage of you; because predators always go for the weakest of the herd, and you appear to be fucktarded.

QToday, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together.
A:Make it clear that if they don't lay off you, they will never see any grandchildren that you've given them ever again, or any that you might have in the future.  If you don't have children, then just give them the silent treatment.  When they call you, hang up on them, and continue doing that until they give you a heartfelt apology for being all up in yo bidness.

Q:Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke.
A:Girrrrlll, you ARE fat.  Lose some weight.  Seriously, it's obvious.

Q: Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep.
A: I'd just beat the asshole to death bury him in the backyard, cover his body with lye, nobody would ever even know what happened.  And I wouldn't do it for the sake of monogamy.  I would do it because I would know he is an asshole, and a liar.  I couldn't possibly undress anyone in their sleep without them noticing, especially if they were sleeping right next to their boyfriend, and if however unprobably I managed it, I would not admit to it, much less volunteer it.

Q:  Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child.
A:  Ok bad form on his part; but there is nothing you can do about it.  BTW, would you like some whine with your cheese?  Also, asking your brother to stab the expectant mother of his child, AND his unborn child is NOT, I repeat, NOT the most tactful and diplomatic way of getting the mother's child or your brother to have any respect for you from here on out.  Learn some manners asshole.  If it were me, I would probably have punched you into another dimension for even suggesting it.  You are lucky that your brother actually has a sense of humor about it.

Q: Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to.
A: Just start insulting the bitch until she has to answer back, and if she slaps you instead, you slap her harder, and then you Frenchkiss her, and then you fuck her, and maybe neither of you utter a word; but afterwards you say, in a Sean Connery accent "I love a shpirited game of hide the winie, becaushe I alwaysh win."  She will get off that trip then.  This is infallible.

Q: Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this.
A: You ask her who's the client, and if she fucks around, you ask her for your money back, and you report the bitch to the PTA.  Believe me, she needs that money.  Photographer's profit margins are pretty razor thin, especially in this economy.

Q: Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan.
A: Proceed ash shtated above in the one that I mentioned Shean Connery.  She can't poshibly be that shtupid, she just has raging posht-partum depreshion, and a good rough fuck will fixsh her.  There ish really nothing a good rough fuck won't fixsh in a woman.  I am sho sherioush.

Well, As I said, I pulled all these off FML. The questions that is.  The answers are all mine.  A less profane version of my answers to some of the same questions are up on that site; and I left out the link to the questions because I think it would be redundant, and you would also have to sort through a ton of comments to see mine.  That is why I'm posting my answers right here.  So you can have a direct answer line to the Magster of disaster. If you would like to leave me your own questions, contact me through the comments.
I am the advice columnist that shoots from the hip, and tells it like it is.